blake uptin

 i am really glad with some times i spent money on taking back sunday i think just about everyone came back blossoming to me (t shirts in high school a cd too concerts in my 20s a vinyl from a record shop) um so one i sort of read into was i saw them for a second in the fillmore in silver spring maryland so some of that was i could only go on weekends (and i only had so much money) so i got my ticket transferred they were booked two nights in a row and doing a coin toss on what they'd play but so what i thought was this would one get me to keep all my stuff like my possessions not getting donated and two get me to a new opportunity when the luray stuff was happening a little foggy i actually left early that night because i assumed i'd get kicked out for not drinking i saw them and nothing bad happened and i had good times their sound is good live and on recordings i had a good time and their mentality and guidance is helpful more of that the older kids from my era who showed up...

so some of this was regularly drilled into me from when i got home from ga and interacted with the public that being the typical questionnaire to size me up what do you drive how much do you make what do you do for a living do you have any education where do you live what race are you  economic tiers dealing with being poor so first off i'll say education can be a sign of weakness so some of that being teach yourself as best as you can (access affordable diy things that'll actually be used or art deco or find opportunities to train yourself get mentally fit see puzzles or other exercises see things you can complete that interest you that you can specialize with) with access to things like the library (a book store or hobby store try 'every white trash move in the book') or a trade become the best you and know how to do your job or how you support yourself so having a high school diploma from there where too um first off the military can be a huge help along the course o...

 so here's where this started well yeah there was underage drinking too where i actually got in trouble with the county and school with that but it was remembering when i was in my twenties after coming home from the army and what i sort of discovered was in some ways the only thing to do for fun legally was drinking so those days afterwards finding which specific bar i'd do well at and that was the live music bars many nights there so the fun of drinking getting a buzz thrashing getting drunk so i was maybe 13 years old my friends and i were just leaving elementary school and in middle the gym class the schedules the atticus mix tape album before going further to high school to prep for college so my friends would find where their parents hid alcohol a alcohol cabinet or closet that we slowly raided and we'd pair that with going to teenage concerts the church held local bands mosh pits seeing more as we got older later driving around looking for what to do getting into hou...

 so feeling the paralysis of having 'made it' i have a paycheck i can feed myself (i am far from danger sensor boundaries alerting) and pay my expenses on time and fully i am ok i have a doctor for healthcare so going back in time it was when i didn't before all that so with a safety net of family and being an american i had ventured into university where despite the grading scale i think i did achieve accomplish and ascertain a lot i found my purpose too i left a boy and returned to ship off to support the war in support of my country the glow of hallucinating from being poor so before other cheats are given out snap food stamps or lines of credit or other troubles alcoholism substance abuse ssdi favors there's paying your way within your means so seeing things at the grocery store (truly choosing between different choices the prices the marketing the presentation the visual the intuition) or when investing considering equipment to purchase that may be a two sided thin...

 so having had missed opportunities no marriage (or official kids) or having been 'obsessed' over wealth paying my debts and staying in good standing financially (professionally enhancing my skills) (becoming a stable adult) um so another too there's the miserly way to think of the generic brand or being logical and realistic while too maybe pessimistic predicting trouble and before it gets there having a game plan about that so the christmas each year i've made movies of them um so there's now i have zero friends (and i don't know why i think some were scared off while i was transitioning into my retirement and dealing with 'mental illness') or how the holiday spirit comes each year 12 months anniversary so not having the generosity due to sound reasoning 'do not repeat the same mistakes twice' so there's moving on along into the future having been given a second chance at a normal civilian life having gotten the fun of drugs and the next st...

 so seeing people with jagged cool stuff before i'd learn of the us army in germany so the party as a young male in the military so there's like the first unit or the transition from tradoc (getting all packed up and seeing others some with relationships spouses) so the outfits mall clothes (the px) or being engrained with the job of waiting for orders for a deployment (vfw) until then the days around the duty station (the townies the barracks) so seeing georgia or maryland or south carolina or deustchland um hanging out with other 'junior enlisted' who had enough to get by a taxi ride (the chow hall the dfac) off post or huddle house for a diner breakfast (and shamming)(getting promoted) during the week um the day room with someone setting up video games or pro sports on the nfl season (many people ordering chinese food delivered) so the balance between active duty and a civilian social life so then afterwards how much of that continues (different circles to stay in an...

 so remembering that clique in high school the integration of computers online with digital cameras there was the whole community and styles back then girl pants band shirts long shaggy hair um the early beginnings to what remains today there groups from back then who are still popular and drawing crowds so the early cell phones text messages the activities back then house parties shows um fast food wendy's our parents cars um public school the different classes and graduation into the future so moving on um there's the bands of yesteryear taking back sunday the black dahlia murder um some of whom i'd seen before um so that 'obnoxiousness' seems to have disappeared (straightened hair cool shoes being skinny rock and roll walking places being in public) i don't see as many people supporting that look the mall stuff hot topic for the different things of interest there games music media entertainment the club vibe myspace social media starting up um new friend requ...

 so this was me growing up outside fort belvoir (before the new hospital came and everything got developed) so people affiliated to the military (mil brats survivors dependents spouses vets) in public school their questionnaires and guidance (being direct and certain about what will cause what like avoiding a bad future by joining instead of not) rerouting me as i continued to grow older and wiser so here's basically one any job you get you're going to lose eventually and if you don't have a source of income (anymore) you're done so that's a little bit of one like as a teenager your life with bills and getting ready to become an adult the lesson is that it would be so much troublesome painful work to make it as a civilian (to get married to enjoy your career to afford everything to stay healthy) without a mil background where if for those that joined before life becomes so much easier and simpler and functioning the veterans affairs and social workers can probably h...

ok so i'm a little forgetful of what my whole unpunctuated paragraphs were (i bulleted a reminder in my phone notes to come back to this but lost all the steam and momentum and maybe my mom was listening when i said things i'd dealt with and compared myself to my colleague he'd come up before when we were talking though she never met him) intended to say but i'll just start off so this passage is about a peer a year older than me i'll dub escobar so um um here's one i thought the guy could have difficulty assimilating like seeing people who still get racist or direct and mean treatment (despite everything seemingly paletted appropriately so the guy was a good dresser and spanish)(i even at one point when i was ready wanted to see about doing a collab on a project with him i was impressed that i saw he did stuff like at young age get tattoos we were still in high school when i saw him come up in the cafeteria in the morning and join us or another was be a motorcy...

 so i didn't really get what this album cover meant i wasn't trying to like drill into them over it but i've been there too where you just say like nothing um also so there were people who seemed furious and jealous over those shows (where i actually have some videos from) so from what i remember um at the time i was thinking this was like a huge deal more of it um i thought i had at some parts been way previously a 'coach' about decision making for the anarchistic rebels or musicians and also had missed my opportunity again to be a famous celebrity more of that like if there was a family emergency so from what i had understood these young boys are famous and like first in line for everything until the day they break up um so i was there for one of their last shows and earlier i was there for my first time seeing them so i was entertained and i heard the musicians can use you or get you emotional anyways what i was saying was i felt for them and understood them it s...

 here's a little of what i believe i later uncovered but didn't fully confirm it so there's a muddy waters song 'mannish boy' that what i got from it was it was like your mom babying you and taking care of you and you being like a 'manchild' so my later big ups on that was that that's smart and moral like some of that being maintaining your relationship with your parents and finding ways to have everything work out like another was my nco sgt wilson who he had a picture of his mom in his cubicle and he'd stay in touch with her while he kept going so some of that was like thinking of a nightclub i'd go to the birchmere being with a older crowd the sales pitch for a event could be the mannish boy idea of not ditching your parents and them pampering you and teaching you and everyone having a good time somehow kids being born and taken care of with the universe so ways my parents would take care of me i have a phenomenal place to live my house with m...

 ok so i was having a blast it was the 2000s i'd walk my neighbors (who died in his house sometime) dogs and another neighbor i'd let their dog out in the backyard (i remember leaving wphs campus with someone driving us to fastfood the wendy's combo and i afforded that from my jobs) those two income sources (i think my parents back then might've done my taxes for me too) so i saved up most of my cash and my parents took me to guitar center where i bought a gibson sg in black and i think i ordered my amplifier a friend researched it was the line 6 modeling amp line so some of that was like in public school i determined that sex would be foolish and dangerous or unhealthy so i was also ashamed of my foreskin so i'd only makeout with girls and then i had a lot of time masturbating online late nights to internet porn my parents basement um that may have guided me away from the scenario like having to start a family formally where later i thought i had some 'showmans...

 so here's one really getting influenced by keith richards so some of that was like when i moved to luray and some of the excitement vibrancy and dignity were there thinking of like exile on main street that awesome picture so the world wars back then vietnam going on 70s politics um france and drugs owning a property being with friends and that being one not wanting to leave me friends to die caring about those who were there for me so the story a lifetime of being a guitarist um later parts like me getting exposed to legal drugs the antipsychotic injections so his bio as a celeb um being a expat when i was stationed in deustchland so the difference between the us and overseas um the cool picture of his entertainment campaign posters of him his performances his personal life like cool stays at different places and the rock and roll business tours um the different iconic albums beggars banquet the studies behind this stuff black blues guitarists reading his writing um getting into ...

 so here was a concept i thought of it was the 'military arena' the theatre of war so some of that would be like versus matches us against them and some of that being like sports with the athleticism or performances so i'd think of formal movies released as a influence some universes to think of like star wars marvel xmen harry potter pirates of the caribbean lord of the rings terminator star trek dungeons and dragons mad max dc batman the matrix so it's exciting and fun but the scary part is people really doing this stuff in real life so other stuff the army navy football game that on the line and does that happen in real life with the wars the war on terror the gulf war vietnam world war i and world war ii so romanticised images bob dylan's free wheelin' the great depression um the tours deployments so navy ships at sea and other duty stations for the us military hawaii puerto rico africa england germany korea parts of the united states seattle california virg...

 ok so here's some of my excuses for this my parents needing me and me not abandoning them and believing immediately that that turns bleak (and depressing if i wasn't there but i am and will be) without me around (and me needing them too a mutual symbiosis)(and things they could do to retaliate on me for jumping ship) so that responsibility next my mental health things stemming from that maybe a little inability from that to raise a child (and thinking of old neighbors i remembered thinking this looks sort of like a alone veteran being the image of me for the future) and other issues too like a hypothetical wife cheating on me so more um there's what my complete center and focus is and that being of scrooge my second chance my lawful fearfulness and my police hearsay on being reformed (and i don't think the character has children in the stories i think he's a miserly man whose alone) um there's how many times i failed at starting relationships when i came back f...

 the wrong way can actually be pretty good and smart some of that being like take the rolling stones for example they did like outlaw stuff but are extremely successful so some things that could seem like the wrong way (instructors or other people giving one order but some people doing their own thing) that actually work out well drugs dropping out of college hobbies to think some people doing everything the 'right way' but still having problems debt unsatisfaction ignorance obsoletion inability so take for example kids in public school growing up what of things like under age drinking or getting exposed to pot how do those effect the kids future or other ones people who graduate not everyone who gets a degree has everything worked out see other issues money family for example so there can be comedians who do well after having made their own individual way through armisen chappelle seinfeld gaffigan so living life and in reality making smart decisions

 some artschool habits continued painting so getting canvas and paints and using a brush to make a piece sketching jotting down doodles for ideas to use on bigger projects miniatures enjoying the rpg dungeons and dragons and participating with painting videogames playing along on different consoles different games shooting video making full length homemade movies photography capturing lots of images stylishly writing different ways the poetry the letters the stories blogging sharing online compilations guitar recording songs practicing and performing like open mics piano playing the instrument with different influences walking getting around by foot for health and enjoyment social media connecting with others online some i don't do anymore drinking going to bars or parties smoking tobacco and drugs getting buzzes skateboarding landing tricks and staying balanced with fun longboarding getting to places and cruising bicycle using a u lock and messenger bag being green and frugal fash...

 so here's my fun eligibility application like if you want to hang out with me let's first see if you're qualified so some questions like can you take a deuce before we hang out to be on the safe side about the bathroom being over used um can you afford financially and time wise and freedom wise to hang out with me not wanting to make you lose a job (circumstance like bosses not approving of me as a friend) over that and the job being how you provide for yourself how you stay independent what can we do and how many people will there be so there's the option for events the live music venue um there's caffeine spots the coffee shop um there's either my place or yours (we could exercise lifting weights) what would we do just chat um would we collaborate on a project make a movie record some homemade music share art displays um the art school habits to do  are you ok with my parents are you drug free seeing how that might be a lawful rule for me to follow not gettin...

 to be a 'token' asian kid (and not intending to be unpolitically correct mentioning things i hear others say and repeating it like when kids do that) ok so to be more specific i am actually half and half (white and korean) but nonetheless getting to the point about another culture (one time i remember finding an all asian male group from purevolume.com it was my american heart) and digressing i do love other cultures spanish food those second hand stores um black city people rock and roll history um europeans their icons their way of life overseas um jews their foods their history (though too people can be mixed one side of likes and another of dislikes) ok so really liking some asian decor something about it maybe a nod to their country like life over there or maybe something about the taste the long term part things like the lounge common areas part or the look of tea that warmth and style with how it's done the things from the asian store um so having the 'obnoxious...

 my cool overlap with my vcu professor so i'll preface with this a lot of what i believe happened i thought could also be not believed by others like here's one i thought this picture i drew in my sketchbook while high and also fearful of consequences and that this would bail me out and justify it all well that was somehow stolen and the basis for the cartoon rick and morty and other times my ideas got professionally done (adventure time the umbrella academy robert pattinson adam devine)(around that time i'd do the suggested idea of covering peoples royalties that were going to expire so jd salinger henry miller stan lee phil dick bob dylan keith richards as a few) so in this case i thought i inherited some of my dad's help on this it was that before i got retired some of my ideas for 'social media' got picked up and used so i was there around 2007-2009 and then i remember later there'd be yelp instagram facebook google plus and tumblr um later linked in sou...

 so what's my motive for when i used to share stuff in real life whether that was pictures at costco (the products the displays) or other sharing screen shots um so i guess here's where i was i already have paychecks and i have free time after that i thought maybe it was good karma or also maybe too thinking things could get back to me indirectly for my good uploads i did enjoy the fun of using my smartphone and capturing whatever i wanted um the marketing pictures and my commercials my videos another was when i used to do the surveys enjoying those um coming up with ideas providing feedback i had new material that i hadn't shared yet new concepts fresh ideas for the world sharing my understanding and experience so generating interest and seeing if i could get any bankshots with getting people interested with my parents business that too um all my things i documented that online whoever wants to view it when i had my different videos up publicly

 ok so we're familiar with this story right the 'crazy' guy who keeps attacking the windmill and getting hurt from doing that so there's not doing that so in life thinking of all the many failures i've had and stopping before that gets worse so there's like the in turn miserly rationale like watching opportunities go by because the other side is maybe they'd be trouble or not feasible so not being generous and reasons for that dates that didn't go well getting used for a free meal never responded to again um dropping out of university being outcast um complaints for talking to other guests hearing warnings about different things and maybe listening to that so getting cold getting jaded getting hardened no naivety or openness thinking into stuff like hearing warnings of injuries for not stopping hobbies so some of that reading the author henry miller and deducing that every so often something bad will happen and me i don't want bad stuff to happen so ...

 why not use the online connection and stay in touch with others how do you get a working social network with social media there's all the different sites facebook twitter youtube nextdoor gmail instagram tumblr soundcloud deviant art yelp world of warcraft xbox live to comment with others and follow up in real life texting on the smartphone too um video calls so other ones too the gaming networks the servers the subscriptions and strangers to meet and get to know um uploads pictures video editing videos writings to share people to stay in touch with threads to join in on forums listings to post things to sell the marketplace so making friends with others on the internet common interests same region um adding friends messaging others so there's browsing others pages and what to look up things your into the hobbies so contacting others there's phone calls emails blogging comments shares likes um chatting talking with other people and doing stuff in real life too the concerts...

 there's a lot of advantages to walking it's good for your health boosts your heartrate with cardio naturally so why aren't people more down to earth and approachable and interactive and open ended think of what you could do you could make a new friend and see where that goes new conversations new places to go to hangout meet new people think of the nice side to being where you can do that being in a walkable area and utilizing it to take advantage of that opportunity where there's errands to do get a cup of coffee pick up a few groceries go out to lunch the nice side of the shopping center walking reasonably can seem to boost the college like spirit the thrill of learning to read books and magazines and things on the internet to enjoy being in public a bench where others go a picnic table in a common area to go live times walking to your friends houses as a kid the neighborhood and other times the bicycle bohemia the parties the green aspect good on the environment and...

 another one so i don't like to fight and reasons why it hurts um also it isn't like to the death or i can't be like some western hero who just pulls the trigger on a colt 45 pistol to put a bullet in every other persons head that gives me trouble no there's police and that'd be more of that homicidal rage that is not worth it people sent to prison for that when they'd be better off dead then in that institution um so don't mess with me and no need for the vendetta i prefer peace and easy days so different types of murderers in movies and other media um javier bardem in no country for old men the air gun the release of taking someones life so then the  counter that if someone were to attack me the punishment response would be 2yrs guaranteed in jail and that being not worth it to the attacker

 as a veteran i am treated less than human and provide for myself basic living needs for me to today mostly sex never really made sense listen to me so things like pregnancy illogical scenarios (families)(also the alternative for masturbation) so other stuff 'old young' predator porn your vulnerability their power in a mean world um so not wanting to get someone pregnant or get slipped that when someone was cheating on you (that happens) and then after the paperwork that's done (your whole life paying for a stranger) so stories of 'sex addiction' um first off the risk for immediate hiv and death approaching with that um so who are the people who seem like they get away with this stuff maybe court affiliates cops lawyers judges the power in that um so i tried the sex shop and that was basically totally fruitless so i'd purchased and watched the dvds but they did nothing unlike the music videos with the bands showing up to get paid for their events um so with what...

 getting humiliated for having foreskin so that was a another terrible time so in public school i don't know how people were not only aware of my genitals but also concerned with their lack of circumcision so i just remember so many guys talking shit about me and bringing that up to girls being humiliated being disrespected being embarrassed being made fun of to the point where i actually would lie and say i was circumcised um so actually this may have been a goof on me my brother was having kids and he asked i think me and my dad what we thought he should do about the kids getting circumcised i remember i was completely spirit broken from getting bullied by sgt wilson in the wtb and didn't want any more 'keith' games so i think i said it like this it'd probably be for the best to let him be natural but it'd probably be easier and less pain and misery to go with the status quo get the circumcision so afterwards i'd later learn more like some hispanic culture...

 a memory of what appeared to have been a magnificently horrible horrible story so here's what happened i was telling this girl about how i was looking forward to my paycheck so then she intercepts me after i while being extremely poor had picked up some food (only to be used for the duration of what ever it was i had at whichever time) so here's how bad it was she steals my store brand pizza rolls from kroger saying we're going to eat together and she adds a miniscule amount of spaghetti so i think this fat bitch is ruining my life (who i think also was bulimic) and there's more so i leave basically to usually never hear from her again later on suspicions like did someone hire a prostitute for me or is this person dangerously promiscuous (in addition to trans suspicions) so i remember other times like them looking for weed and using me but not including me and also black mailing me with trouble for helping them (so many of these stories of being treated shitty and like...

 a little bit of a story and warning for the parents whose children are about to go through puberty so one would be here's a story of a slightly younger peer in this dubbed madam so madam is in a mediocre wealth class labeled by others (everyone in public school mean and at times no filter) so there's that but fitting in with the prep click so going with the hierarchy the politics um stretching the budget on the style of that then other parts parties graduating high school the workers the blue collars so parts to learn from the story people not tolerating trouble and thus being serious also her brother for what ever reason got involved with drug dealing later joined the navy and has i think a fully body tattoo suit now and explanations along the way and both appear to be modestly successful and consistent still the popular pictures uploaded to sites and still the getting by and other lessons like the permanent home owners that power and influence another story would be a notice...

 so a little bit of a story was 'doing it all' like a wizard of oz type person like the many ways i was trying to produce i had written blogged painted recorded promoted shared uploaded played instruments um so another was hearing in keith's book he had to do many parts of the band at once i think that was around the time of the death of brian jones so what really was my goal all these day dreams with a business license like my fashion designer label the store and stuff a tea cafe um my music the albums my movies the comfortable entertainment experience um blogging online tasteful paintings  so all these projects to follow up with and what for to be a disabled retiree um so being a producer when i read irwin winklers book on his experiences in hollywood california um other stuff the look of an acoustic guitar in the house boots on the ground jackets in the closet a night stand with keys and other stuff in the pockets wallet juggling and sharing these different platforms so ...

 so here's what i remember i was like going through the in patient involuntary hospitalization um which is weird because some visits were like paradise and others were like torture so i remember on one occasion it was the nights in the pajamas and there was a huge fat woman (tall too) who was up on the ward with us and some of it was participating with some game scenario (i remember she had a cat shirt on one time and was another one of the ga maybe gov affiliate types)(one time i went to the ga dmv which was weird compared to home um peach state the country) with here where the weird dynamic was it was some game thing we were playing where i kept winning no matter what (i think it may have been true or false questions) so seeing her i think i remember her talking with the other staff up there maybe hearing some comment about me coming back from deustchland um the food was mostly good (and remembering time going there weekends in the wtb um go to the hospital cafeteria wi...

 so what i remembered was missing chances on producing stuff due to reasons like tattoo threats or not being gay or not wanting to go to jail those being some like ultimatums but so here's what it was i had some social media like the hey day of myspace so what it was was that looking back would things have been different if i did get photos of me saved or make movies whether that was amateur or skateboarding or had i practiced guitar music which ever particular hobby taken to a next step but one sort of 'example' of that story was a neighbor a few years older who got a full body suit of tattoos (i also saw them live many times there was the group the loud boyz) so that being for whatever reason the homemade media wasn't really tolerated (and also parts like the 'wrong way' being better but the rules broken in the process like underage drinking or other stuff) um so what i was saying was my 'math' was that had i done those celeb stories would i have ended...

 so i was walking around the post in fort gordon maybe i'd looked on a map to see stuff (trying to understand where everything was or becoming more familiar other things too being a little crazy or stuck also around then i had fallout 3 on xbox 360) but one time i found the nco barracks for the warrior transition battalion the wtb so it was weird and cool i saw people like playing volley ball (even like the top gun look) i saw people smoking cigarettes i saw the parking lot with all the different types of vehicles (remembering the look of some people a necklace athletic clothes some with tattoos) um i think i even walked into the lobby for a second um it was a mid rise building and it was entertaining i remember too hearing if people got to a certain higher rank they wouldn't be eligible for that housing anymore and they'd have to pay for off post stuff i think um it was another like state of 'arrested development' like these people who sort of didn't grow up li...