blake uptin

 My country doesn't appreciate me. No gesture or anything got delivered to me. It was all just selfish aholes again and again. What I got I earned. People humiliated me for my whole life undeservedly. Police families in the sanctuary city. The cut off allegedly wealthier people making faces at me. I made a change for my country and in exchange was given the bare necessities that I earned. No one is out to help me. No one appreciates me. No one cares about me. I did heroic things even lost causes and was given no credit in addition to people openly talking about how easy it was yet they never did anything of what I did. Because of me this stuff changed. Because I stepped up to the plate and did what I was supposed to this happened. Now my selfless sacrifice has left me handicapped and unable to lead a normal life. You're welcome for all the community service I did for this country that hates me.

 There is a reason. And that is because. Due to logic my stories always make sense. Every time. I dropped out because I needed to pay off my loan. I went AWOL because I didn't want to be an amputee. I didn't get married because no one would give me a chance. I took my medicine because that was how I got paid. I didn't have a motive. I even gave out free lessons countless times. As things naturally progressed my stories passed moral checkpoints and justifiable reasons. Pathologically I told the truth. I smoked weed because Lord of the Rings was shown to be the answer at the time. I listened to peoples warnings and suggestions countless times. I didn't fight that white women were shown to be the answer and was sent to Germany where there's blondes. I help my parents because they are my family and feel that is an obligation.

 You say it's not fair. Well I earned that. You didn't. I did that and you didn't. You're lying and cheating now. You're cheating on your wife. You're holding me hostage. You're stalking me. You're harassing me. Now I've been drugged up for my own protection. What did I do? I did what I was supposed to and earned my stripes. Now they are just being criminals. I did these things the hard and right way. I listened to my peers and professors and others along my journey. I was the one who wrote an album while AWOL. I was the one who made free films by myself. I was the one who never got married.

 What is there to be excited for anymore? No more weed or cigs. No more booze. Where's the artschool eye on things now? As a sober almost 40year old what's there to anticipate now? Losing Commanders games. The high strung gays theatre shows. Back to Charles Dickens and Christmas Carol yearly again? When it was school and fun. When it was girls. The year filled with friends and activities. More focusing on the blues (most expensive best parts) like restaurants or family. Times when I was high or drunk or buzzing. Times of nightly college parties with coeds. Traveling with the US Army when I was younger. Seeing projects come to completion like the hobbies.

I was a guitarist. For years I mathematically computed that was my best answer. I could perform alone and sing too without needing help from others in addition to learning other people could be untrustworthy. So guitar = masturbation. By doing it myself I never really had any problems happen with women. Also I believe that kept me in good accord with the Catholic faith. For the 2010s I'd see the bands coming to town and think that was a good idea to support I couldn't escape it for a little while. I never had kids that I know of. But I suspect there may have been numerous secret babies born here and there. I didn't know that'd happen. It just all worked out where that was the best I could do with my non negotiables. I wanted to be a conventional artist. There were countless guitar players I studied live and on merch before. I was modestly successful thus far. I am a home owner and pay my bills.

 I want my parents alive happy and married. What can I do to contribute to that? I found that yogurt can make people live longer. I revolve around them to try to help. I don't want my parents divorced. I don't want them dead. I don't want them unhappy. The previous references I found worked for a little bit but crapped out. Bill Wyman the internet said his dad died early. Rodney Mullen the internet said his mom died early. Steve Ditko the book said both parents died early. But they were married and stayed together those references. I liked the Henry Miller stories but got skeptic there'd be some fine print detail I didn't know that'd ruin it. I go to weekday mass and show up early for the rosary. I kept my Republican vote and am not changing that I know of. I commute with them and overnight at their house.

What'll it be like when my parents die someday? Will I be able to do things I wanted to before? Will the new VA caregiver still stifle me? Thankful my parents are still alive. Trying to keep my parents alive. What'll the future be? Would I be able to do some guitar stuff without them? Or was that still a bad idea? How long will I live myself? What can I do to get ready? Is this just another unavoidable scenario? Would I be better off still single? I try to help my parents 247. I am thankful for all they have done for me. It seems that they are all I really have left. Am I being abandoned by the world?

 I miss my old pseudo sitcom and other producing I did. For what ever reason my parents had me stop and I listened. But there's nice parts about my new found privacy. Now I had all the resources available to easily document my projects. I went to college and got access to the equipment and education. I had self taught experience. I had some followers and a little virality with my material. I shared everything free and did it my way. I would use my camcorder desktop computer and youtube. I even tried to be a pornstar before. I used to film family gatherings and holidays and publicly share them. It was a blast living that lifestyle. What ever happened to all that stuff? But then other people with power over me started pressing me. Doctors the psychiatrist people making complaints apparent enemies and conspirators. Wasn't it cool doing all that homemade material online?

 I get so comfortable at other places I feel like I could move there. At home at times it can seem unhospitable. On reoccurring vacations I really enjoy seeing somewhere else. To keep having improvements in life. I love the Amish. Their foods are great. Their women are attractive. Their work values are respectable. It would be awesome to transplant somewhere else. But I did hear it was a trend for DC area people to relocate to PA. I really enjoy the shopping in Lancaster with EG Tanger Outlets. For the adventure to keep on continuing. For the excitement to not stop. To try being a home owner somewhere else. To see more of the world. To have my needs met with EG the VA and try life elsewhere.