blake uptin

 It's all corrupt as it always has been. The owners have already conspired on what they can get away with. The priests and church are evil and adulterous. No one says anything because of EG Sinead O'Conor. You get punished for doing what you are supposed to. The bad guys always get off. The good guys get martyred. You just get told you're crazy and isolated if you do the right thing. Your peers will have to have sex with the faculty in order to graduate. You don't get anything. Then they figure out all the games to play with you all along the way. They are in power and no one has any guts to do anything about it in addition to they already figured out how to stop you from doing anything about it. That's life. The bad guys always win. Epstein got away with it and so did Diddy and Petraeus Clinton and Trump and the list goes on. So just get online and masturbate to the overlord dictator government porn scenarios while we have nothing?

 Why am I always being outcast? Did the same thing happen to Keith Richards because he's uncircumcised? In the industry why did I get nowhere? I was brilliant seriously. But did I have my slight little improvements? Running car relocated house same dog parents alive and married free American drugs. The list goes on. Why do you hate me? What have I done? All I did was what I was supposed to for my entire life. But you you had to antagonize me the entire way. What for it didn't do anything but put a bad mood in the air. Why wouldn't the night clubs let me play? Why wouldn't the white women let me hit it doggystyle? Why couldn't I have freedom? Maybe this is because we all like being an ahole.

 I got off drugs and went into the US Army. I got to go to coed basic training. My DSGTs were charming and helpful. They rolled out the red carpet for me. In the Army I got to get good meals and good exercise. I became uniform and assimilated more with my country. I learned and demonstrated the Army Values LDRSHIP (loyalty duty selfless service honor integrity personal courage). I got to get my military benefits that I kept. I got to get medically discharged and retired. I get to go to Fort Belvoir for shopping with mom. TRADOC was fun and I graduated both my AIT's. My life was rescued from the military in some ways. I got to hang out with the soldiers. I got to live in the barracks. I got into my units. I made it home alive and well and still use the VA for free healthcare.

 In my VCU years I chose to 1 sleep with coeds instead of going to class and 2 listen to women more than men. Were these women actually genius? How many times did women give me good advice and lectures? So anonymously I'd hear warnings of things to come. One was if I did it the wrong way I'd never be able to do it again. So for a lot of my life I have been made a fool of for trying to do things the right way. See trying to meet women at the nightclubs. Would the women have power to I didn't know of? Could they poison off enemies? Could they reward me for my good behaviors? Was this even colonial like slaves they way the women would get treated? So in some ways though was I no better? Or was that getting coached on getting the best possible outcomes? I suspect my teachers even gave me nods that basically had fertile women do the rest from there. Wasn't that a good deal?

 What was the point of Germany? So many confusions. So was it to go on sex vacation? Or was it to under my busy life father some children? Now it seems like I don't quite get the rewards for what I did. I don't necessarily get advantages with blonde women. Then I see racists often. Was the best possible answer the Don Quixote choice I made? To honor women and fight nobly for lost causes? There prostitution is legal. Should I savor how much I did actually get? Was that a sacrifice for my country? Did I hold myself to a higher standard and actually accomplish anything? I made it home ok and maybe improved my life. Is racial profiling apart of the answer for everyone to accept white women being the favorites to the point of them being gamed?

 What is the point of even buying anything? It doesn't do anything. It just sits there and doesn't even get used. And then the threats and mind games other wise. Wouldn't I have been better off with my money instead? Then the bank fees that make you lose money without spending it. See these frustrating loops? Your selling me nothing. When I have the money it doesn't even do anything. When I save up it doesn't even register. The product doesn't make it to me. Is it buying the rights? Am I just ignorant? Am I just an idiot? Am I just not poor enough to realize how wealthy I actually am? Or is there no point in buying these things?

 Was the nightlife a complete waste of time? What did I even get out of it? I didn't get to perform. My rapport I was trying to build seemed to be non existent? I was neither gay nor jewish and didn't fit in as people said from the beginning. I didn't get to go get laid every night with different women. In fact I basically got stigmatized and isolated the whole time drinking by myself. Is that just the way it is? All I have to show for it now is maybe some hearing damage? Well I did document some of it. Were those lessons about that stuff? How many references do I now have that I saw in person? Was that a successful thing to do? Would that sacrifice pay of EG post humanously with my own publishings? Did that validate my works after all? Or was it just drain and waste of life over nothing?

 I apparently may have had the rock and roll delusion. That was a lot of time and energy wasted. What was the point of it even? Did I get anything out of it? So I believed my ticket home was by making albums when I went AWOL. I believed if I didn't do that I could've been at risk for terrible things like HIV or amputee. I produced it myself and was proud of my integrity with my product. It wasn't an easy task pulling it off. So I didn't really get to have sex with groupies. I didn't really get to perform very much. My album was made and shared for free. But at the time I tried to do everything the right way. I thought I was like John Lennon. This was before I learned more trivia about him that seemed to ruin the story EG his mom's early death. Maybe I did win? After all maybe that helped me get medically retired which got me my paychecks.

 Is my brother a lesson in karma and poetic justice for me? I'll get into it. Later on I suspected he was my half brother. I also suspected women may have had my babies and they like him could be half siblings. My brother seemed to have problems throughout life. Tattoos and weekends in jail. Substance abuse too. Am I now held accountable for his monitoring? Is this some odd round about way of showing the same thing happened to me? Were the women who may have done this getting even on their men for something they did to upset them? Wouldn't I take any of them back if they came back and that being reassuring for the women? I feel so comfortable with this suspicion that I don't necessarily try to force a attempt with current women. Is this more of the Charles Dickens stuff? Like Tiny Tim god bless us every single one. Was I a father because of where I was headed? EG I paid my student loan or I got retired from the US Army. Now seeing my brother is it a compromise of the best I...

The city is much bigger than the reoccurring familiars. There are much more people in the neighborhood than the same faces. Is this discouraging seeing these people over and over? To have the same insults again?  Thinking of the numbers there's lots of different people to see. Are these people the owners ruining the cityscape? And then both sides can seem like a losing card with relocation vs staying. Where's a good place to call home? The same people obsessing over me. The same people stalking me. The same people harassing me. The same enemies and conspirators following me. And it seems nothing can be done about it. Lunatics centering around plotting my demise. People going out of their way to try to ruin my day. The same faces staring at me.

 I avoided a mid life crises many times. I had epic rumspringas. I got a lot of that completely out of my system. I know what pussy smells like and what ass feels like. I did get to do my passions. I produced lots of hobbies. I got to do this my way. I have had modest successes from my works. As a teen ager I built up to the climax of VCU. That even lead to the Army. I got to go further with Germany. I left my hometown and got to come back home too. I had fantasies I was a celebrity. I shared my works and had views. I helped my family while I did this. I did stuff like my heroes did.

 Choose the military. Get new clothes. Get paid. Get different benefits to choose from. Take the easier route. Take the better route for satisfaction. Help your country the USA. Assimilate and be uniform. Take it where you want to. Get married. Travel the world. Blend in with citizens. Make this choice when you're young so you don't regret it. Be happy with the adventure ahead. Thank yourself later for what you did earlier. Watch as the rewards come in for your good behavior.

 My sons are now your boyfriends. The moms raising the babies are continuing our relationship through those seeds. Because of how I act they follow in my foot steps. I revolve around my parents 247. The women saw me as a good character. I was honest and trustworthy. They stepped up and birthed my next of kin. I believe in this through the mystery of faith. I protected the women as best as I could. I stepped up and went off to war for my country. I was occupied with fulltime service to our world. I stayed faithful and loyal to the connects I made. I was paid out for being responsible and accountable. God bless us every single one. I continued to share my insights and help throughout life. I go to weekday mass every chance I get and also do surveys too.

 Am I better off masturbating for the rest of my life? I could not begin to list off all the things that can go wrong. Disease divorce garnishments there's some. There is no insurance in a relationship. I could do the right thing and still get dumped. Someone could give me HIV. What if the kid isn't even mine? Some of these women seem like trouble. Is porn a reasonable answer for that? Also it's probably for the best not to use male enhancements because of the potential for birth defects. So no viagra or generic versions or other kinds either. I don't want to get divorced. If I had gotten married bad things could've still happened to me. I listened to peoples suggestions and warnings though. Was that just reality? No use getting mad about things outside of my control or power.

 I am thankful for those thanksgiving meal ads I've seen. Maybe someday I'll be alone. Also I am not that much of a cook. But anyways I could get a meal kit from somewhere. Those ads make me happy. They look cosy and comfortable. To look at the pictures and daydream about the season. Seeing a simple easy fix. My parents have done catering for us before. It's nice having the spread. And if I did this by myself I could have leftovers too. There's lots of fast food places that have good reasonable deals on stuff like this. See my special occasions in the future. I remember my neighbor who lived alone he'd go to a buffet in Maryland during the holidays. I've seen other single men do stuff like this before. And there's always pizza right?

 I missed my chances at starting a family. I am now too old to formally get women pregnant it seems. What could I do? How would I support myself? Maybe it's better I didn't get married than get divorced. Would being Catholic give me some consolation? How was I going to be able to afford housing or a vehicle? Because of the military it seemed I stayed single. If I talk to women in public people call the police on me. Regularly old rich Northern mean racist white men cock block on me. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I did what I was supposed to throughout my life. Maybe women had my babies before hopefully. It seems I am being made a political prisoner. My own country seems to not value or appreciate me. My sacrifice got me essentials in life though like paychecks.

 Why do the games have to stop? Why does the convention last 4 whole days while the college lasts 4 months? Why can't we make this keep going? How can we bring a college to our family? You get home and there's the computer with internet. I saw people do online gaming before whether it's poker or World of Warcraft. See the long drag in between gatherings. What can fill the expanse and void? You go to Roy's and you eat and leave in under 15 minutes. There's weekly game nights. But everything gets so specific like the bars. Where's some open space for us to chill and lounge? You see at college the LARPing (live action role playing). That creates a fantasy for the campus. There's storylines and adventure. Where can we have good wholesome fun now that doesn't end in a few days?

If the students can get their loans forgiven why can't my parents get their debts forgiven? Doesn't that seem fair? Why didn't they help our country by raising me? Why can't the prices be affordable? So if it's a loan then isn't there a mathematical formula to pay it back? And what if it's predatory? Or what if it's a rip off? What can be done? Is it just always always always back to Scrooge again? No other option? No one will pay. And there's no way to get paid. So why can't our politicians our government do something to help us. Why are the students loans forgiven but not the parents loans? What if it was for our business? Or what if it was for our needs to support ourselves?

With the student loan forgiveness why isn't it instead spread out to all of us? Why can't our parents and us get the college experience? Our communities being more than townies. How can our country be educated? Why not make those with loans share their knowledge. Have them earn back their loan by sharing what they were taught. Think if our cities and towns could grow to merge the universities. Why does it have to be blocked off and inaccessible? What are our choices really? So imagine if there were a campus for the USA. We could all enroll and learn. We could have access to instructors and courses. It doesn't seem fair that people get that without having to pay it back somehow. What's the point of it anyway? What is our lesson to share with the world? We should spread the light and educate our neighbors.

 So eventually the government shutdown will end. But here's my idea. What if instead of shutting it down it was fixed where the government helped us? It seems like the government only cares about themselves. What if the government was made to do things that included us? It seems like there's EG rock bands who scrape by with nothing and are shown to be DCs traveling fools. They're attempts are martyred and lost causes. Why can't our government not be evil or selfish? What about policies that help all of us? Programs that can help our country. It seems like it's a unstoppable corrupt system. Who'll stand up to this injustice? Watch as working families deal with adultery. Watch as people can't make enough money in the private sector. Watch as lies are perpetuated and multiplied. It's not fair and it appears that that'll never change.

Could I do better? Was I in a bigger league from things I did? By going in the Army or going to college being higher rated. Or should I be thankful for all that I did get?  If that was what I wanted to do could I get better results? Did I get plenty when I was younger? What'll be the future to come? Is being with my parents the best answer? I did get to interact with lots of women and trans. Was the point to have a sampler? Is my parents moderation for the best to avoid problems? Would women ever give me a chance again? Looks like getting married and starting a family is passing me by. Is there always some new woman that's out of reach? Some new adventure that's actually not worth it after all. To thus be regulated and appropriate.

So there is the blue collar charm. Imagine that with designer clothes. Premade distressed stuff. The look of substance abuse as a boy even underage. So clothes that feel like you are on drugs wearing them. They feel damp or snug or have factory made damage on them. Doing that and mindmapping from there. What'll this lead to? Open mic night. So there's the look of a working class family. The kids partying in high school. The rooms decorated with stuff from the mall. What'll the kids grow up to become? See alternatives to conventional jobs. Or what about joining the family business? See the fun of having a network that cares about you.

 So I've heard of people wanting to be like someone else. EG Bob Dylan wanted to be like Woody Guthrie. That's a a story bluesmen apprenticing under another and taking their leftovers. Is instead a better idea to be a practicing catholic? So some may lump this under a form of mental illness. But still there's other explanations like in education using references. Basing things off other successes these people.  Maybe this is like simulcra. To do a shoddier copy of someone else. Using the technique of sampling others can seem to work. How many people use royalty free stuff like Shakespeare? Tobias Smollet was a influence for Charles Dickens. We all probably have heroes we admire. But maybe religion can stop this idolatry. Is it worth doing what you first set out for still?

 I believe I am not going to my ten year high school reunion this year. I believe I was tipped off not to go. A peer of a divorce gave me a warning. I have heeded many warnings in life like even EG IED amputee stuff. So what happened was I heard the divorced kids really need this. And that if I showed up again and didn't get anything then they'd go out of their way to give me poor service is my understanding. Thus it would take me off course from my obligation to my married parents. It would be a waste of time and cause drama. I believe I've seen others have their lives torn apart over this. Wanting that teenage freedom and maybe even causing their parents to get divorced in the process. I can believe the warnings. Rather than get upset I could see that the kids of divorce could have been right before about avoiding that for myself such as see maybe bad pop culture references I didn't know details about them about. I stopped before it got out of control. I still focus o...

 So I got told I was crazy. I listened. I took my medicine. I got paid. I did that instead of having things like drug problems or parental marital problems. That makes sense right? To back down instead of proving a point. I accepted that I could get paid better on ssdi than trying to be a artist success. Would there be any point in winning from not being in the military? Would it be worth it all the troubles to go through to do that? Is it just easier and more logical to just join the Army instead? Now they won't take me as serious it seems with my hobbies. I got all the way there. Then I stopped. I decided I'd be better off serving my country. And while in the military I got benefits and got to travel and have fun. Wasn't it a good deal to help the country and can't I still do my passions and hobbies?

 Make a joke of yourself. Be the clown they need. Basically it is pretty funny. It's quite entertaining when you act sleezy and greasy too. Some self depracation? So having a good gritty voice. Showing what you've been through. Stripes you've earned. It can be hilarious when you even mock yourself. To embrace the stereotypes. But too to live the charming charismatic lifestyle. Acting like a cartoon character or even a video game idea. To almost break the third wall. Being laughed at can be a form of admiration? Isn't it nice being loved too? So seeing this group you can see how they are funny as rockers.

 So here appeared to be a ongoing campaign. It is my belief that men want to be able to father kids even as they get older. Men can still ejaculate a load to impregnate fertile girls. Maybe some of this came from them seeing how successful I may have been with the females. So my guess at if this were to be possible would be some type of propaganda. Some movie or political trend that makes this opportunity come to fruition. There are barriers in the way like spouses or ageplay. A lot of mine seemed to have been when I was asleep. You here of the celebs who were successful with women their whole life. But even Paul Mccartney got married right? So back to the drawing board. Is it sperm donor marketing? What'll close the deal on this? What makes it fair for everyone? You could see boys their age getting frustrated and offended. You could see the social workers maybe playing it both ways for each side. It does make a little sense doesn't what if it was like dog breeding?

 How many times did I pull that one? Zero or a million? It takes me over ten years to catch on but later seeing things that started to make sense. Was I just at the right place at the right time? Why wasn't she drinking when we were out partying? Was that maybe 9 months or so of no substance abuse when I was getting trashed? Why was she supporting me for several months of me dropping out? Why did she show me her belly able to pop out and suck back in? Did my orphan friend know something was up at the time? Was I just on a different world the whole time? What made me possibly win before? Why were the girls crazy about me? But I stopped and didn't be a Beatle EG. I wasn't aware of how precious that time was. It all happened so quickly. How if I did did I pull that off and maybe more than once?

 So in middle school my friend and I took the bus to the mall. I had some cash on me and bought a random cd from Brand New the band. Later I found out an old flame her ex was the cousin of the singer. Now I remember that group could be very paranoidly hurtful at times. Did I discover what was ailing me? What exactly was causing this riff? So I didn't realize I was listening to Brand New's rival for a while Taking Back Sunday. Things with me and the girl from Arlington never worked out but it was fun? So that relationship was loving but there was times I was cold. She gave me a chance and I gave her a chance. I didn't think anything of it at the time but her parents were divorced I believe I remember. Never heard back from her after I got home from the Army. There were apparently other rivals I had. And with these grudges or vendettas parts that could be upsetting or even mental illness. As I write this I literally find myself almost talking to myself like this person was st...

 Seeing the white women with others can hurt. Then too watching it get ruined with potential diseases. Parts like not getting a chance. Or things seeming offensive. Basically dealing with the interracial dynamic before. Or the gaming of white women. Racial profiling for the beauty alone. Why couldn't I get some or one? Not getting to get married or start a family. Before things too barbaric to deal with. Watching beautiful white women be subjected to purely sexual relationships. But was that what we all wanted to do? So the hurt of the cuckold dynamics before. Not getting any and getting used. Being the third wheel so much that I stop trying.

So it is tempting to daydream about relocation for me. Maybe this comes from being stationed in Germany. Or being stationed in Georgia. But there's the reasons why it wouldn't work and heeding those. In other countries you hear stories of Americans getting in trouble. No freedom of speech. Or it's difficult to get full citizenship going through that process. Or not knowing the language there. Also it could be difficult to get VA healthcare in a foreign country. And not knowing the currency. Or issues like if prostitution is legal. I shouldn't take for granted American luxuries. I am in a first world country. There's plenty of cities to daydream about in the US too. I don't know anyone in other countries. Who would be the new people with power over me the new psychiatrist?

 Apparently the implications of anything make most anything unwatchable. Little did I know such and such and about so and so. And others apparently making that what the whole thing is about. Maybe it is better to be safer and hear the warnings. Character assassination for all the media. See how many divorces and other issues weren't openly told in the beginning. Maybe it's just safer to not watch tv instead. See the stigma for the people who finally made it. All the work to just have it written off as a selfish ahole who had bad things happen that I don't want to have happen to me. No more chances for them. Heeding the warnings about it. It's not worth it to watch those tv shows. Yet it's so easy to get sucked in. I didn't know Mark Wahlberg's parents were divorced. It was better when I didn't know these things. Wikipedia can quickly show all the flaws of others. How many times has the media been ruined by someone having divorced parents?  

 My country doesn't appreciate me. No gesture or anything got delivered to me. It was all just selfish aholes again and again. What I got I earned. People humiliated me for my whole life undeservedly. Police families in the sanctuary city. The cut off allegedly wealthier people making faces at me. I made a change for my country and in exchange was given the bare necessities that I earned. No one is out to help me. No one appreciates me. No one cares about me. I did heroic things even lost causes and was given no credit in addition to people openly talking about how easy it was yet they never did anything of what I did. Because of me this stuff changed. Because I stepped up to the plate and did what I was supposed to this happened. Now my selfless sacrifice has left me handicapped and unable to lead a normal life. You're welcome for all the community service I did for this country that hates me.

 There is a reason. And that is because. Due to logic my stories always make sense. Every time. I dropped out because I needed to pay off my loan. I went AWOL because I didn't want to be an amputee. I didn't get married because no one would give me a chance. I took my medicine because that was how I got paid. I didn't have a motive. I even gave out free lessons countless times. As things naturally progressed my stories passed moral checkpoints and justifiable reasons. Pathologically I told the truth. I smoked weed because Lord of the Rings was shown to be the answer at the time. I listened to peoples warnings and suggestions countless times. I didn't fight that white women were shown to be the answer and was sent to Germany where there's blondes. I help my parents because they are my family and feel that is an obligation.

 You say it's not fair. Well I earned that. You didn't. I did that and you didn't. You're lying and cheating now. You're cheating on your wife. You're holding me hostage. You're stalking me. You're harassing me. Now I've been drugged up for my own protection. What did I do? I did what I was supposed to and earned my stripes. Now they are just being criminals. I did these things the hard and right way. I listened to my peers and professors and others along my journey. I was the one who wrote an album while AWOL. I was the one who made free films by myself. I was the one who never got married.

 What is there to be excited for anymore? No more weed or cigs. No more booze. Where's the artschool eye on things now? As a sober almost 40year old what's there to anticipate now? Losing Commanders games. The high strung gays theatre shows. Back to Charles Dickens and Christmas Carol yearly again? When it was school and fun. When it was girls. The year filled with friends and activities. More focusing on the blues (most expensive best parts) like restaurants or family. Times when I was high or drunk or buzzing. Times of nightly college parties with coeds. Traveling with the US Army when I was younger. Seeing projects come to completion like the hobbies.

I was a guitarist. For years I mathematically computed that was my best answer. I could perform alone and sing too without needing help from others in addition to learning other people could be untrustworthy. So guitar = masturbation. By doing it myself I never really had any problems happen with women. Also I believe that kept me in good accord with the Catholic faith. For the 2010s I'd see the bands coming to town and think that was a good idea to support I couldn't escape it for a little while. I never had kids that I know of. But I suspect there may have been numerous secret babies born here and there. I didn't know that'd happen. It just all worked out where that was the best I could do with my non negotiables. I wanted to be a conventional artist. There were countless guitar players I studied live and on merch before. I was modestly successful thus far. I am a home owner and pay my bills.

 I want my parents alive happy and married. What can I do to contribute to that? I found that yogurt can make people live longer. I revolve around them to try to help. I don't want my parents divorced. I don't want them dead. I don't want them unhappy. The previous references I found worked for a little bit but crapped out. Bill Wyman the internet said his dad died early. Rodney Mullen the internet said his mom died early. Steve Ditko the book said both parents died early. But they were married and stayed together those references. I liked the Henry Miller stories but got skeptic there'd be some fine print detail I didn't know that'd ruin it. I go to weekday mass and show up early for the rosary. I kept my Republican vote and am not changing that I know of. I commute with them and overnight at their house.

What'll it be like when my parents die someday? Will I be able to do things I wanted to before? Will the new VA caregiver still stifle me? Thankful my parents are still alive. Trying to keep my parents alive. What'll the future be? Would I be able to do some guitar stuff without them? Or was that still a bad idea? How long will I live myself? What can I do to get ready? Is this just another unavoidable scenario? Would I be better off still single? I try to help my parents 247. I am thankful for all they have done for me. It seems that they are all I really have left. Am I being abandoned by the world?

 I miss my old pseudo sitcom and other producing I did. For what ever reason my parents had me stop and I listened. But there's nice parts about my new found privacy. Now I had all the resources available to easily document my projects. I went to college and got access to the equipment and education. I had self taught experience. I had some followers and a little virality with my material. I shared everything free and did it my way. I would use my camcorder desktop computer and youtube. I even tried to be a pornstar before. I used to film family gatherings and holidays and publicly share them. It was a blast living that lifestyle. What ever happened to all that stuff? But then other people with power over me started pressing me. Doctors the psychiatrist people making complaints apparent enemies and conspirators. Wasn't it cool doing all that homemade material online?

 I get so comfortable at other places I feel like I could move there. At home at times it can seem unhospitable. On reoccurring vacations I really enjoy seeing somewhere else. To keep having improvements in life. I love the Amish. Their foods are great. Their women are attractive. Their work values are respectable. It would be awesome to transplant somewhere else. But I did hear it was a trend for DC area people to relocate to PA. I really enjoy the shopping in Lancaster with EG Tanger Outlets. For the adventure to keep on continuing. For the excitement to not stop. To try being a home owner somewhere else. To see more of the world. To have my needs met with EG the VA and try life elsewhere.