Times up. I am not a aspiring pro guitarist anymore. Did I make it a little bit though? Confusions about sex and [sic] John Holmes as a reference. What will my legacy be? The heroism of hospitalization.

Here's what I woke up to being in between, libido max and guitar. One thing that got in my head bad was the successful admired guitarists who I saw, in hindsight may have to this day still been ostracized. So I don't want my sperm defunct. And I believe rather regularly women have had sex with me while asleep but there's the allure of being a pornstar but that's blocked by maybe the VA and my parents for my own safety?

So here's some breakdowns of the names I saw (specifically Black Cat DC) that I identified with:

• Sonic Youth: pedestrian kookbomb artist jewish tannins affords art supplies
• Thirtheenth Floor Elevators: mental illness reputable heroic lifetime achievement
• Television: perpetual masturbation life improvements errors avoided fun lifestyle

So I had to close out my bar accounts because of reasons like not drinking on meds or relocation or not going pro with that lifestyle. There'd always be another good point or lesson to learn in addition to ways I grew like my documenting of the nights. 

So some of it was that's what the guys point was and that's what his life will be remembered for. Then there was other people who got in my peripheral, the sex industry, not wanting to be martyred or assimilation. Then people could make me try to turn on my pseudo bosses them getting sexual priviledge and me outcast and martyred & insulted.

Other parts of the story unraveled, did I avoid sex trafficking and other scenarios (kidnapping) by participating as a guitarist instead? So what was and is it? To be a famous guitar singer? To see the effects of persistence the rewards and experience points?

So some of it was I could do it bluegrass my way or maybe reasons it wasn't worth it, logistics. Am I just supposed to settle down instead, enjoy VA healthcare? Was it a form of a gambling addiction? Am I accountable to mysterious mothers for my legacies?

I quit when there was like sort of professional Doctors involved with guiding me into fame, for reasons like the logistics not having problems with my family. The story of someone who got far but quit along the way and took many good deals. I don't know what's next but it seems like I can pay my bills and my family and I can have an ok future.

here's what I sent my dad:

It wasn't that I was into the bad nasty girls. More of it was like when I was growing up there was lessons whether that was the reasons to play guitar or the reasons it wouldn't work. More of that was like being put in the Christmas Carol feeder in hindsight.

So what got in my head bad was in disability group they said there was something called sex addiction as a vice, and I deduced it could be like cigarettes or alcohol but both which I don't want anymore. So then there was referencing John Holmes in my head. But then the high priority was my parents marriage thus referencing veterans with married parents like Bill Wyman, Steve Ditko, Roy Rogers, JD Salinger, & hypothetically Rodney Mullen (doesn't say he was military).

What can I hold onto? Reasoning out pro hobbies see moderation and caregiving back to the neighbor who dad doesn't want to hear his name. No time ever really for them anymore. Nothing ever works but maybe hearing the explanations why every time, logistics and priorities.

A little more I just thought of was comparing myself to Bill Wyman for a while. Thinking I got credit for things like my DC nightlife tenure or my history with music like merch in public school. I wanted to release my own stuff from my catalog before but never did, I think my dad told me not to.