Was I a fool to not try to have more sex overseas? Is sex just not plain possible with married parents see the priest extorting us. Am I perpetually alone was that what I wanted? Being confused about what to do having my projects shut down as of now.

Was what i actually wanted to do be sexually active? But going back when that stuff was available there were always issues like housing income passion (even family obligations) etc. Another part would be in general the issues with logistics see the men with power over the women cutting me off like the government the school system the military the work force etc (complaints and police). So was I the whole time actually just trying to be promiscuous (but how many times did the references on that stop doing what they wanted like David Bowie or Anthony Kiedis EG)?

I didn't know sex work and still haven't learned that much. For example prostitution is illegal. So I have tried the paid pornography and that seemed to show normal sexually active males. I remember when I was pursuing the music along the way people would confuse me or play devil's advocate bringing up the sex industries as opposed to the successes with eg guitar or literature.

A story I actually remember was I went to Virginia Beach Captain George's where they had a special on crab legs in a buffet but I wouldn't eat them because I was being psychotically miserly (and dealing with mental illness tics) or thinking people can die getting those and being humane not supporting that. That makes me think was I foolish in Germany? I tried the house or brothel a few times but ended up stopping entirely and going AWOL to write a rock and roll album. More of that was was it unfair that the Generals got to use the red light district the whole time while I couldn't do the same in addition to getting confused with the quixotic foolish heroism quests (fighting losing battles and lost hopeless causes to face stigma exclusion ridicule and other persecutions).

But still I'd factor my priorities. I put my parents marriage over the sex goal. Thus I try to follow the Catholic rules which forbid that (thinking the priests could turn the screws on me probably). So maybe by that logic this just wasn't possible.

More would be I thought I had accountability to women I thought may have had my children. Some of that was thinking for my good behaviors and ultra professionalism I would be taken care of (a life of masturbation or hard selfless work and integrity). Some of that was like thinking like John Lennon (but without the mom dying part) I was very successful with women hypothetically.

So there were previous parts like guitar heroics. I thought I had passion with initial projects that may have actually payed out. So was I supposed to do those forever whether that was guitar writing video painting journalism nightlife comedy hobbies studies etc? More would be was that like a martyrs way to have integrity with those causes.

I didn't know sex work. Was I a form of sex worker as a guitarist in the hotels I wrote albums in? Where's the job openings as a male sex worker legally where I am now? Was this just some impossible fantasy to do?

I don't think I have my parents permission to be sexually active. I am a practicing catholic as stated. More would be being very cynical and skeptic about relationships like not wanting to get cheated on or how the baby could not even be mine. So from here I had used paid pornography that was all.

Was my aunt helping me with her influence on me overseas? Should I have ignored her and her advice? Was that a help or a detriment? She had me taken to a Pink Floyd concert before I didn't know the guy made it then killed himself or something like that.

So you could just write me off as mentally ill. With that never having time to explain or people intentionally screwing with me. Can you now see how Scrooge made perfect sense forever? Being made political enemy before.

Could sex be as easy as guitar is now for me? I can play guitar like EG Elvis Presley and not have issues could by that same logic I have sex like John Holmes and not have issues? Is it too dangerous with problems I avoid like disease divorce and garnishments? Where to go now?