mortality and motivation with perseverance and resilience to keep producing but stopping at ceilings or non negotiables and prepping

 so my dad's childhood friend died what i said was it sounded like he died of eating too much pizza this one person thinking of like the fun side and then the other dynamics going on so planning to stay alive and be old planning to keep my benefits um so what's possible thinking of some learned miserly traits like not going to get the great food or now the current med doses can't drink anymore and then also no more free reign with insomnia so the back and forth to that 

wanting to and having put some of these projects to starts so 

those things going on with insurance so i'd think of jack kerouac living life wildly freely fun but then too other parts of the story i couldn't do the hitch hiking maybe no caregiver and for me that burning my candle at both ends so there's my parents getting help and me getting help too um but it'd be the freedom and aspiration to have mania 

so i want the crazy life but then too the handicap disability healthcare politics i'd love to well i do sort of already do that at the ceiling the stopping point the breaking point in there i write my stories and the aforementioned material what can i do to live grandly no more booze maybe getting brownie points but zero smoking um 

my life and my dreams things i wished for to fall under others spells to love the media personalities guitar players actors directors writers poets business moguls singers record execs to get people who'd want to do a podcast with me have the bowels taken care of at their residence before and have some cafe time and chat 

so then other names and writing i was going to archive here um comparing to the modern or the well known time on facebook after the end of the dc era 

excerpts from past files gone the times on my own the difficult being how rock and roll is made having went my own way once but after that um meeting my requirements the picture i described earlier being the choice to or not to live each moment with some intoxicating spirit to seize the day where i mentioned booze or tobacco but then other stuff and not risking trouble over that what would it be then 

so constraints helping my parents not abandoning them um keeping my benefits um preparing for the future not being suicidal or difficult while i studied or produced or idled seeing the advantage to isolation too 



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