fearful motivation more content

lots of instagram content

planning next projects in studiobinder

lots of livejournal 

a studio

grossness mom and dad brother then the rest 

costco stock up

semi is it ptsd 

survival 

benefits addiction

upcoming surveys walmart

reading and summaries to today

indents bulleted unpunctuated 

bathing charging phone

background drama department theatrical parents the harvard neighbor 

where do i live in the future how do i keep going what about my family 


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some thoughts on religion and money

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 so i did see that the father in the catholic church can be a massive power like if you think oh i have to pay for every song and show up different answers about that and not going to how you got to that so a different choice and two another option hmm thinking other people could be a father figure so there was dr machmer and another robbie t so that being maybe single male power whether that's like the melting pot restaurant regularity or the africa peace corps money different things going on on that so gamblers making sense of anything the water essence from owners  another so there's the it was oh the bob dylan story so that being like like keith that falling under spells (heroine guitar hobo legend um) someone whose like this not possible figure and maybe that groups tricks on it when i ignorantly was fascinated with the jewish community (thinking things like world wars holocaust) so explaining it some um the term i told taking back sunday in a comment was like a dalai lam...
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I sold out for a paycheck. Now I can't break rules like smoking weed anymore. Thus things can be bland at times. So from here what is there? Days with my parents and dog. The pool shopping overnighting. Hello benefits and improvements.

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 It now dawns on me that Jack Kerouac actually made a lot of sense. So let me begin. I use the VA for my benefits and follow thus rules. Thus I have found at times I can be bored out of my mind. I can't smoke weed and on my meds I can't drink anymore. So what's left? I can jack off occasionally I have video games I have a dog. I live near my parents who are my caregivers. So I can go shopping I can do surveys. But the fun of youth is gone. Maybe I should stay positive and optimistic. I get excitement out of dad hosting his weekly game nights. The party is over. No more freshmen year of college. No more starting AIT in TRADOC. But maybe things are still going along? There's still writing and studying.
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Was I a fool to not try to have more sex overseas? Is sex just not plain possible with married parents see the priest extorting us. Am I perpetually alone was that what I wanted? Being confused about what to do having my projects shut down as of now.

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Was what i actually wanted to do be sexually active? But going back when that stuff was available there were always issues like housing income passion (even family obligations) etc. Another part would be in general the issues with logistics see the men with power over the women cutting me off like the government the school system the military the work force etc (complaints and police). So was I the whole time actually just trying to be promiscuous (but how many times did the references on that stop doing what they wanted like David Bowie or Anthony Kiedis EG)? I didn't know sex work and still haven't learned that much. For example prostitution is illegal. So I have tried the paid pornography and that seemed to show normal sexually active males. I remember when I was pursuing the music along the way people would confuse me or play devil's advocate bringing up the sex industries as opposed to the successes with eg guitar or literature. A story I actually remember was I went t...
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