different me's what do i sees

 childhood youth teens and so on

tv inspired

believed in movies

wishes and chances

dodging short sighted goals

reliving my lifespan

captivating entertainers

my soul held hostage 

to a song of hope

smiling

seriously wanting more

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I sold out for a paycheck. Now I can't break rules like smoking weed anymore. Thus things can be bland at times. So from here what is there? Days with my parents and dog. The pool shopping overnighting. Hello benefits and improvements.

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 It now dawns on me that Jack Kerouac actually made a lot of sense. So let me begin. I use the VA for my benefits and follow thus rules. Thus I have found at times I can be bored out of my mind. I can't smoke weed and on my meds I can't drink anymore. So what's left? I can jack off occasionally I have video games I have a dog. I live near my parents who are my caregivers. So I can go shopping I can do surveys. But the fun of youth is gone. Maybe I should stay positive and optimistic. I get excitement out of dad hosting his weekly game nights. The party is over. No more freshmen year of college. No more starting AIT in TRADOC. But maybe things are still going along? There's still writing and studying.
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Can someone help with an answer to this scenario? Is this feasible? Should I invest my energy in something else instead? Was instead I meant to have a guitar legacy? Was I tricked and niave? It seems like countless others get away with this and do it the wrong way.

 Ok let me explain. I don't want complaints or to get kicked out or to have the police called on me all of which have happened before and I don't think I always deserved that. So moving on. I will censor this to avoid setting off admins my intent was not to be offensive or hurtful. Starting off explaining some of this goal in mind was EG I was basically sent to the German brothel. Another was growing up I'd always see these males who were successful with multiple women (before finding out about deal breaker trivia about them) like Jerry Seinfeld John Lennon (Beatles but there's tribute groups as a loophole) Anthony Kiedis (RHCP) the Entourage show Californication or the adult content on the internet those free videos and samplers during my teens. Another jargon on this was logistics things not lining up for reasons like adultery or there were issues in my life I have had resolved somewhat like getting out of debt or having a paycheck. I was a new kid in a town and thing...
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Was I a fool to not try to have more sex overseas? Is sex just not plain possible with married parents see the priest extorting us. Am I perpetually alone was that what I wanted? Being confused about what to do having my projects shut down as of now.

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Was what i actually wanted to do be sexually active? But going back when that stuff was available there were always issues like housing income passion (even family obligations) etc. Another part would be in general the issues with logistics see the men with power over the women cutting me off like the government the school system the military the work force etc (complaints and police). So was I the whole time actually just trying to be promiscuous (but how many times did the references on that stop doing what they wanted like David Bowie or Anthony Kiedis EG)? I didn't know sex work and still haven't learned that much. For example prostitution is illegal. So I have tried the paid pornography and that seemed to show normal sexually active males. I remember when I was pursuing the music along the way people would confuse me or play devil's advocate bringing up the sex industries as opposed to the successes with eg guitar or literature. A story I actually remember was I went t...
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