blake uptin

 The state of my union? So I have a VA appointment tomorrow. My lesson was if I don't start talking then the VA acts like they are going to hospitalize me and torture me. The VA did hospitalize me and torture me before a few times and I didn't know why. Because I smoked weed before joining the Army? Because the black men were jealous a plump butted blonde white woman may have had sex with me while I was asleep? So I immediately have to have no dignity or get no respect and share every personal thought inside my head with complete strangers who ignore me make faces at me and disrespect me and talk down to me and are nosey and uncaring or give intentional bad advice or just eat up my time and energy. Then I have to deal with the government. Some may know some of these stereotypes. I have to say the same story to many different people and essentially get no where. No help. Just exhausted. Government workers who find joy in tormenting me. More? America doesn't like veterans. Th...

 It's not fair that you get to cheat on your wife. It' not fair that I don't get chances with women. Organizations like the Knights of Columbus are corrupt. They promote swinging which is adultery. In addition to couples seeking out adultery while also blocking me from anything what so ever. Why am I blocked on anything I try? Then they wonder why it doesn't work for them like it did for me. Why are the women in captivity? Treated like invalids and property. Forced into sexual trades. Wife swapping. Shouldn't I get a chance since I am single? Is adultery the same either way? A rose by any other name? Why are the women not given free will or freedom. Why can't they choose me? Why am I always outlawed? Why am I always forbidden? Why am I always disqualified while they make these things mandatory? Why I had to get a porn subscription and use it? But I couldn't have sex? You see the unfairness that is perpetuated? Why are the women forced into sexual barter scen...

 What happened? First I gotta deal with the blacks now I gotta deal with the Indians and Muslims. Or by deal with do I mean actually avoid and be irritated with? Then other demographics out there too the democrats the LGBTQ community the entertainment industry? So there's stories I concretely remember even reading in books (before books were antiquated) where now they are just plain changed. Beatles trivia. The term fake news. I remember even taking pictures of them and having indisputable evidence that I was right. Then people just change the subject and tell me I am wrong in addition to completely avoiding me and excluding me.  Why are veterans so disliked? Why am I being treated like John Mccain. A prisoner of war. What did I actually do? How many other people did the same thing as me and got away with it? Shouldn't I have been rewarded for doing what I was supposed to? Why was I punished for doing the right thing every time? What's going on? How can the facts literally ...

 So I cracked out cleaning the office this morning. Anyways briefly I was thinking how evil the world is and was (& will be). Forgot my story because of drugs or distractions. Some of it was like the short hand story of Jeffrey Epstein and another was Harvey Weinstein or P Diddy. So that was like maybe explaining why I didn't get married? Or you see the grossness and evil of the married couples? Don't you? Adultery. Swinging. Exclusion. Disqualification. Lies. Power. How many people just say I am crazy and condemn and abandon me for doing what I was supposed to? Was I all alone supposed to stop the president or the sex trafficking? What am I Batman? How many times do I just get taken to the side and reprogammed on what I am allowed to do? Nothing I can do about it by myself. See the lunatic musicians who have to poop and get loaded up with tattoos for pointless causes. You see those evil people get away with that for life don't you? Petraeus Clinton Epstein. Didn't ...

 A series I enjoyed was Entourage. Some of the muscle memory for me on that was I was on drugs when I first got into the show. So that effect it reminding me back to that and that unreplicable effect to be high or that mania. Ego trip? So what was it? It was basically my like memories of my beginning? First releases? And that story in my opinion some of the first releases being the best and sometimes after that everything else not being that great. This Side of Paradise Beatles for Sale the Sun Also Rises the Catcher in the Rye to bring up the lost generation old material I studied. Old names instead though Bukowski? Dylan? But again early Dylan vs his later releases. RHCP? And that story the prolific successes. But hearing do you only get one of those? One big famous picture? Or the prolific side. Eras. But clearing things up. Now I have no interest in doing drugs aside from VA medications. From my understanding this is against the VA policies and the VA is who pays me so I don't ...

 Catching up? Some dealing with which ever lunatics. Being made political enemy. Not given respect for my political party alignment or political vote my free will or privacy. The rules changed and deals were not kept the unfairness and poor service throughout. Anyways what was I saying? And that story being so drugged up I forget all my material then get shut down through different tactics. Sodomy warnings. Social work logistics. Lots of peoples conspiracies and premeditation. Is that just reality? There can be lots of people out there with malicious intent. So why did I go AWOL? Well I heard what people said and stopped. Basically because of my past I was going to be doomed. So that was I did drugs in college and that was because the degree would be useless and the debt would be crippling. More explanations people didn't get. So college there was steroids and that was the drugs effect. Like athletes. Entertainment. So apparently I had borderline warrant status on me and was specul...

 What happened you ask? Well all along my college trek there were issues I addressed as a responsible young adult. It wasn't premeditated. It was all natural and ethical and humane and caring.  So before I left for university I was intercepted by many. Whether that was my peers or others parents direct and indirect or even faculty that was where my mindset was adjusted. So basically I was given no accommodation or time just point blank asked how I'd pay for it all. Something that I now do to my brothers kids is muse how will they pay for their education and point out how you can graduate and have no vocational skill afterwards. Like a picture of a child drowning.  So initially I thought I was going to go to VCU and maybe I'd get an MBA. Or at least a bachelor's degree in business. So people all throughout my life would play devils advocate with me. In hindsight I don't know if that was just that and they were right and were helping me face reality. I was given warni...

 What is my next gig going to be? I stopped on a lot due to obligations. Not neglecting my parents. Accepting disability. Listening to the VA psychiatrist. Is that just it the end? Fade to normal day to day tasks? So I did gaming conventions still. I did private family holiday movies. I have my old material set to private now. So also was a different smarter choice to pursue women instead? But also there's the other side issue of being available if the opportunity to get married and start a family presents itself. Is that feasible or doable? So I quit a lot because the examples I was forced to use all had problems I didn't initially know. Rodney Mullen's mom dead early. Tiger Woods parents dead. Bill Wyman's dad dead early it seemed. So what about all the people who stopped or were there for the early releases? The first drafts? So there's Stu Sutcliffe the original founder of the Beatles. How did you never hear of him again really? Or the Cliftons with Bill W what ...

 A little bit of my lesson actually is don't do anything. So I was having free time and thinking deeply? So with a guitar there's all the next steps I don't want to take. No tour no hearing damage no exposure to drugs because of the VA etc. Then with porn I don't want to be at risk for problems (disease divorce garnishments) in addition to it being a sin. So what was I trying to do or say? I guess I enjoyed producing and making my own material. Doing things my way. But there can be downsides to that like not making a commission or neglecting other more important things in life. So obviously I can't get high anymore and that was a flashback that can't be really  compared to anything else. So I was looking at guitars because I played one of mine that was cheaper as opposed to one I had that was more expensive. But still. It seems to conflict with my parents schedule or my own desires. And that whole dynamic of porn versus guitar? So what is there still out there? ...

 I have excuses and explanations again. So here was one. I could've been more sexually active but instead I decided to attend to my family. I was concerned with my parents staying married. So I got distracted from focusing on women by thinking of my parents and their well being. An example of this was Henry Miller. So I did a first draft that was similar with Tropic of Cancer. I was stationed in Germany and free and wild. But instead of following up with being an expat I had various parts I stopped at. I didn't want to get barred overseas. I didn't want to neglect my parents and brother. So I flaked on that quest. Another was Adrian Grenier. I had a similar background with some parts like Vince starting with commercials on Entourage. But as stated I didn't want to contribute to my parents divorce so I found various places to stop or do things differently at. I heard warnings from peers with divorced parents. I took that stuff very serious and made sure I didn't get ...

 Some of my memoir? So here. I think I made the right choice. What I remember was when I came back to Georgia my NCO was asking me questions about what I wanted and telling me how I could have anything I wanted now. Maybe this was payment for almost completing my military contract? Maybe everything with that worked out in my favor. I didn't get hit with an IED. I qualified for VFW. I came home to my family still being alive and came to help them. So there was an offer that I could become a doctor. But instead I chose dental. I remember because I think he said it'd take too long to explain and I could only pick so much. So I had dental work done at DDEAMC. My teeth weren't that bad at that point but I thought I definitely needed some work. I got a gold tooth put in. I got metal fillings put in. Later I had my wisdom teeth taken out at the DC VA. More of that was I chose to be disabled. I listened to reason. I listened to medical professionals. I listened to just about everyo...

 Where do I stand now? Well one maybe positive fantasy for me was being a little bit like McCartney. See him having Superbowl seats. See him no longer in the lime light anymore. So some of that was like me vouging that I got paid very well for EG masturbation. Now I can't do it as much as when I was 18 unmedicated. Still do occasionally but clearly times have changed. So that whole story rewards I got or openings for someone else now? Women getting their rocks off mutual masturbation. So some of that too was like for hypothetical spawns of me their livelihood and best lives. See the children of celebrities? Second generation celebrities? Retarded charm? Being loved? So what could I do? See parts I adjusted my trajectory. I could've been like Irvine Welsh the heroine user writer. But instead I never did heroine. Or keeping my family in my heart and mind. Thinking of Obama's promises would those ever come true? Healthcare? Retirement? So doing the right thing and being pure a...

 Here's some of my resume: married parents alive and happy childhood action figures or other hobbies skateboarding guitar neighborhood dog walker minimum wage jobs pre Obama advanced diploma high school grad VCU acceptance and drop out and student loan paid off US Army 46q MOS 25q MOS retired stationed in Germany stationed in Georgia SSDI PRS adults with disabilities group volunteering RECenter Back Porch etc DC VA group sessions Vietnam Vets camaraderie family business help youtube commercials answering phones DC nightlife for about a decade pictures videos drinking designated driver home every night professional HMGS conventions and painting miniatures UMUC dean's list poodle owner quitting hobbies due to warnings and console see Steve Ditko Henry Miller JD Salinger Bob Dylan Rodney Mullen Bill Wyman to name some examples where there was issues with the stories of the parents lives being accountable I think 8 years in a row of Christmas Carol tumblr and blogging sound cloud c...

 Here is a catalog of some of my accomplishments: Teletones Ghost Lovin' while AWOL my book all those notebooks written in the US Army my LiveJournal autobiography and surveys my youtube channel in general: my family movie pseudo sitcom my DC nightlife recordings my instagram (RIP) my paintings collection  my miniatures collection  had opportunities to go full time with hobbies? played O'Shuaghnessy's live several times

 Catching up. So I don't really try talking to women. My lesson with that. I don't want complaints made on me and police called on me. I like women. I am not shy or cowardly. Just conditioned by our society. So thinking about women. I was punished for doing the right thing while others weren't and got away with that for their entire life. Bill Clinton. Petraeus. Trump. The list goes on. So there's issues. What if she has a student loan? What if she needs to see a dentist? Our country doesn't really solve these problems in humane or fair methods. I basically had to be a Egyptian Slave under sexually privileged abusive leadership while I got nothing. All that time and energy lost. Apparently everyone knew the job was to get farmed out and squandered and marginalized. What reward came out of it? Well eventually I got a secure paycheck. But now that does nothing? So am I from another planet the things I think or say or have learned? Prostitution is illegal in Virginia. ...