two email threads I shared with my parents about my longings and desires. Excited about this next chapter. This next move. Life in Charles Town West Virginia. Living in my parents basement again. Adult boy. Forever young?

 first one:

So catching up with the move. Here is some of where I stand and what I wanted to voice to y'all and get support.

A huge inception (the Leo Dicaprio movie Inception hit hard for me overseas and now when I get bored sometimes I'll send things to Stuart a collage of famous photos and I'll reread it for entertainment maybe that was from Germany with American pop culture but the reoccurring story with those was deal breaker trivia related to the stories a counter for this was if dad still liked Gygax not the bad parts though clearly deal breakers non negotiables safety I love that stuff but the insurance on the fantasy like hearing he was a insurance salesmen thinking coverage and safety and that story watching these famous examples but not wanting the bad parts it's easy to get sucked into it and then want different outcomes then the master copy or details about it) for me was Entourage the HBO show. For now I could see my pseudo Entourage being my parents and brother then his family. Like the main characters on the show. I however might've gotten offended before even watching it with the Sopranos so maybe dad can shine a light about that one if he liked Gandolfini. A fantasy? A day dream? So like I didn't want my agent to get a STD that spoiler happend in the show or avoiding divorces. The show could feel stressful at times but the pay offs were always huge. Liking celebs and that was a reference before. Not neglecting mom not neglecting dad not neglecting Stuart. This Wahlberg produced and I found dog earrred parts about it I didn't like. Minus all the bad parts. So that was like thinking I am happy to help with my parents on things and do that. An easy was is saving money and then using money on y'all in turn. Picking up meals paying for movers getting work done on the house. A little side not was thinking being more generous on my self and y'all when the opportunities are there (times I missed it because of miserly Scrooge as a reference) maybe that's the Nigger Rich part to avoid. I if we're still in Alexandria which were are still can't escape using Charles Dickens and Christmas Carol as a references. Showing up for that play every year because it seemed like the best case scenario. I thought the family could try to estrange me then take all my money from my estate leaving my life quite pointless. All this money I saved just going to cousins or others Stuart's kids. What did I live so miserly for just to die stupidly? So that was where I like reviewing things. I tried making my home made TV shows before things I could watch. Stopped doing surveys and this is like that stuff I used to do. But maybe I am lazy at times? (not getting yelled at). Another was how much privacy do I or should I have? I liked the era of Myspace the site early social media so sharing stuff of my content but also maybe some discretion on that. Out of all my Luray media I probably got some good shots here and there of our time here which would make some of the misses and fails worth it over all. I proved myself a lot of so far. So one was thinking people were trying to act like I was JD Salinger with the Catcher in the Rye which I did try to write. But he did get married and have a kid. I am not against that (starting a family) but as I said before my lessons or worries and concerns. Not wanting to get divorced. Being skiddish about opportunities talking to women. Also started getting a little sucked into the concerts already in Charles Town WV at Hollywood Casino. The being promiscious thing I can mostly let go of due to logistics (it doesn't work or it's annoying or it's trouble or it's debunked to an extent better wins?) or things getting debunked in my head. I don't need ED meds because those can cause birth defects. My only thing that maybe y'all had a better read on was wanting to be able to see where I am going or having an idea of my future. What to prep for. That was like I think yes living with y'all will be my new 'gerbil cage' but little things could make it much more enjoyable and doable for me. Things like maybe not doing being a painter becuase it'd take too much space up. Or leather. That was like I said with Entourage. I have this bad maybe unhealthy? idea that I was like a celebrity maybe? That was like all my projects I later did that I was proud of. Each progression. Front Royal  Alexandria VCU US Army Germany DC Luray etc. A little side note on this was thinking I thought Brian Malone (childhood peer friend neighbor home owner divorced parent) and others with divorced parents could try to make a fool of me like this Dr Phil episode of a guy who wants to be a rockstar but doesn't quit but countering that I saw countless EG guitarists who seemed successful from their spots. Countless people from the past who if I tried I could win over but things may have gotten on bad terms from guessing what the ailments were. Separate ways? So I like getting new shoes for different purposes. Cleaning the office and cleaning the house shoes. Skate shoes. The Journeys store.

So one little detail was like I told Dr O and the staff the other day how I liked the stuff that came up in my facebook feed where Steve-O was talking about his career and even things he was embarassed about. He doesn't have kids according to the internet.

A good memory for me was my sneakers in Belle View Elementary. Black leather Nike's when I got good grades from AS Rhodes after we left Memaw's. Kevin Garnett shoes that now online go for $600 a pair. Respect and admiration from my peers and strangers. Remembering grand dad and Uncle Eric. and Grandma and the rest of the family the aunts.

Would my youtube channel have any new videos? Would I have any new pictures taken of me to share publicly on facebook? Would Tumblr be used again? Where to stop at. How to fine tune it up better. But parts instagram had strangers go from zero to a hundred or so unpaid followers. Doings things my way. No editor no producer my own opinions and final says.

I am glad to go all in with y'all on using my money for dad's business acumen. Like I said maybe it's little nigger rich things that qualm me. Grover my poodle. The Bronco. My Gibson SG I still have. But at the same time socking away more money could be smarter. Just being able to have an idea of what is going on. New upgrades? Landscapers with the house. What emergencies to be aware of I have to save for. 

So explaining a little with Hollywood Casino. I thought I was supporting the community in a way? It was a job? The VA liked  things like this before. Community. Participation. Last time towards the end of my nightlife tenure I got a little bit exhausted and worn out. Maybe hearing Wyatt wearing me down or others devil's advocate parts or confusions too. Hearing voices? So some of my reasoning for going was thinking like this puts me at an appointment with the people that these people used. So an example was when I said Stefan T should see Yachtley Crue at the Birchmere or Bert Kreischer the Machine live comedy. People with similar characteristics and things getting to me from that. Here were some once a month shows I had some interest in. I could do the cheap seats. 

Jakob Dylan and the Wallflowers famous son second generation rock and roll

Hawthorne Heights and Emery (cryptic things I was listening to as a dog walker that I thought some really came through and helped me out big time getting into VCU or thinking a 13th Floor Georgia female captain helped me)

Bow Wow a black boy celebrity Snopp Dogg charisma and humor

Oak Ridge Boys are booked but I don't know them BTW

Buddy Guy a bluesman (most expensive part) a black guitarist a guy whose alive at 90 (racial profiling white women)

Some of this may have been too processed of thoughts or maybe being too good of a patron. There's other things I could spend my time money and energy on. This being a lazy easy accessible answer. Not wanting worse hearing damage. 

For now little things that would put me in a good mood would be maybe blowing some money on meals with mom and dad? A little thing in the backdrop was wanting to have at least one professional guitar on me just to have. I have my Gibson SG that cost $1,000 or so and that is in okay condition still despite the broken neck. The strap locks on it are a little worn down. Still have my Germany acoustic. Have a Yamaha cheap one.

So in closing where I stand?
Wanting to be generous with my parents but having an idea of my future trajectory. Am I going to pay reps to get to where I live a very old life? Will I be a home owner ever again? Should I cash out at some parts?The balance of nigger rich. Making my gerbil cage comfortable with the dog and the basement. Supporting my parents for their retirement scenario. My celebrity dreams accessed. Parents discretion and insight about Hollywood Casino appointments. 

That seems about what I was thinking of. Balancing helping my parents and brother and his family. 

second one:

I'll try to explain what I was thinking with punctuation and grammar.

So I find myself really missing social media. When I was a kid myspace was a lot of fun. There would be pictures in reality and adventures to go on and people to interact with, in addition to all this being amplified by drugs. Now I find myself looking for some form of entertainment but nothing really hits the mark.

Most television I keep fault finding and erring on the side of safety with. My Amazon music I let slide the erroneous details about the songs. My actual facebook I am  basically isolated on. But being thankful for what I have, I did previously want some separation from others and more time to myself and my family.

Video games are nice to be alone and do, so is my smartphone. Going on  Fort Belvoir always excites me, going on post. I am looking forward to this next move. But it does feel like I have a bit of a void in me from social media addiction or things changing (how many times have I missed VCU?).

Days back then would be heightened by having a online community. Now I have quenched some of my needs like having money. But I should be thankful for what I accomplished back then that got me to now having a pretty much problem free life. I am not sure what a remedy would be for my media thirst and hunger.

I figure there's no use continuing to do my picture collages since they're not public and no one wants to see them but me. Also there's the unhealthy part of me fantasizing about being a celebrity. Now the privacy and next chapter are nice. What projects should I try still doing?

Before it was similar to being younger, with the music videos & nightclub crowds. Now it's like the Jack Kerouac mania minus the troublesome parts. Clearly no drugs. I want to do things but find myself rather dead ended at times. Maybe reaching out to see if mom and dad's coaching had some insight I didn't see or some answer that might help.

When I was a teenager in my parents basement was a lot of fun. Coming back to that again seems like it could be maybe as good again to stay hopeful. My big take away too would be without the drugs and wanting to keep doing my hobbies probably. I sent this becuase my TV I found basically unusable at times and my other options are basically the dog or the hand held videos games or the unresponsive alone internet. 

Thanks.