It's so easy to see what you don't have but could have. That was a vivid memory for me seeing things out of reach. That was what I got for sticking to cash and being hit with my student loan without an immediate solution. After the Army and SSDI everything was easy and comfortable.

 Before disability. Well before disability. Here was a memory I clearly have. This was a little bit reoccurring. So it was this. I remember when I was in High School thinking that if I only had money I could do so much more. Back then everything hit me. I was driving my parents car. So I had to pay for gas to get to my job. I had to pay taxes on my paycheck. Then it was like if I went to go get food fast food at that then boom there's like around ten dollars gone. And I only had and made so much money. So more of it was the price of the drugs I was smoking. So cigarettes and alcohol and what was said to be weed. Those hitting my pockets. Basically here was a big part of the memory I would get high then imagine how much extra stuff I could have had and done at that point. Better clothes. Add ons with the meals. Somethings were just completely out of reach for me. But I clearly saw them there I just couldn't access them. That's my point.

I never used EBT or Snap until after the Army when it didn't really matter anymore. I didn't get SSDI til after the Army too.

So here was another point of that memory. I was poor in Richmond VA dropping out. So I was taken to Walmart. I was looking at the prices of the foods for sale and I began hallucinating. I was literally working with like five to ten dollars cash from my job to hold me over. That was after the price of my bills the rental the clothes. Hadn't begun paying my student loan either. To my ignorance I didn't realize that was how much the price of gas alone would've cost my ride there. So I was imagining if I changed my life like joining the Army I wouldn't have all these problems. That was like seeing the numbers and thinking if I didn't have to rent or if I could have a vehicle or a job or if I could afford to get a big load of groceries and be able to take big dumps without that being a problem.

Now I have the money but there are still some barriers. I can't smoke weed or drink on my medicine because of my caregivers and the VA. So moderation. I am supervised basically. So having my parents approval on things. But now I don't have the problems from the past anymore. I am not hungry. I have  car. I have a place to poop. My parents seem to be taken care of to an extent. 

But would that be a next point? Where is the sources of fun anymore? What is there really to do? So no more drugs or substance abuse basically. Not sure how well the nightlife will work with my med schedules.