People don't know how I did what I allegedly did. Having women have my babies seemingly problem free. Did this really happen? What was responsible for this? Could it really have been 2000s CDs?

 You're saying I am a loser? Well maybe you're right. I miss my grand parents.

So anyways here was a new blog. What happened was I went to Fort Belvoir last night with my mom to use my military benefits. Telling y'all about it? So one reason I wanted to go there was I felt a little bit like it was like probation or something or it was some odd tic that made me want to go on base. It was almost like a magnetic pull or maybe when you hear of hunters using tricks to lure in prey (calls? bait?). So we did head for Fort Belvoir. I found some great deals on clearance that made me feel good. I am entertained with the USPA brand the knock off. Also I found a Fender guitars shirt. For a while I tried to be a guitarist. Before getting confused or other negativity? To explain some was maybe seeing EG Hank Snow the white  country guitarist lifetime of maybe martyrdom being foolish or sexual ignorance too? Or was it not being obsessed about a past encounter? Then I remembered my story of the 13th floor. (Blonde woman may have been like the Virgin Mary to me). So in my head I thought I was loyal to what I thought may have happened. So clearing things up? Maybe I got tricked or misguided during a dnd game years ago and that was what did this to me (interest in sex followed up with brainy ideas as opposed to previous natural unfolding of life). But again these scenarios make sense or I feel like I didn't have chance. So am I supposed to try to start a new family now? Will I have better luck at different locales? As a spoiler it looks like West Virginia might be on the horizon for my parents and me.

So I tried studying up on sex stuff. Some of that was like peoples devils advocate scenarios for me where it was foolish to be a martyr. EG guitar wouldn't do anything to stop women being slutty or getting put in slutty scenarios. Or being confused about women like them being used up too? Seeing graphic things. So I paid for porn for the first time in my life and my subscriptions were ending after I told my parents about it and they said it was too expensive and also wrong it was against the Catholic teachings. (actually my first real porn purchase was the dvds after Voc Rehab considering that era not that long ago the 2010s when I first tried the online subscription tried watching it but usually could seem like a waste of time or I was used to free internet stuff where I'd have many windows open and skip through). I spent more time downloading or browsing than actually studying it mostly. So for a little bit I had a goal of being promiscious but my parents wouldn't let me do that so nothing happened. I wasn't trying to be offensive or hurt my readers hearts I know how that feels when women talk about experiences with men and I feel crappy during that.

So I felt like my 13th floor moment was special? But also I felt like all these scenarios were a little bit doomed from the get go. I was trying to be a career focused soldier EG. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to get on one knee and propose while I was hospitalized. It was odd. At one end it was paradise at the other end I was being tortured. Now I have a bipolar diagnosis. Also I thought was this from my dad's gamer friend the horse guy? So that one was maybe a sort of clean ending was going to use the expression clean kill? That was song track from Coriky Ian Mackaye that made me think of what happened to me. It was maybe like growing a tree into a like blonde egg. Like a Banzai tree that's it. Don't those grow on cliffs? There were a few musicians things I paid for when I was younger that I thought people basically explained to me would solve my life. Bright Eyes first day of my life that track I think it was on I'm wide awake it's morning had some Conor Oberst before. The Taking Back Sunday album with the baby on the cover was that where you want to be?

Next? So then I remembered a girl from Richmond. Some of that was describing a sexual encounter with modesty and appropriate terms? Maybe it was like putting a knife to stab a deflated football then it about to get pumped up. So that was this excuse or reason? I got quite confused about women with the Michael Jordan stuff. From what I understood he was a successful championship athlete with a shoe line and he was promiscious with white women for a while. So that was describing another white woman? Why was the scenario doomed? I had no money. I had no real prospects ahead. This was before I joined the US Army and got my life under control again. I don't know if she had abortions for me.

The next page? So I remembered being thankful for specifically my Grandpa but my Grandma too. Some of that was thinking when I was a boy growing up now in hindsight things I got to do were because of him being a guardian angel for me. So the group the Bled with the album pass the flask. Underage drinking. Him at the golf course. Me having a male friend who I'd drink and party with. Local church concerts.

It seems in some ways I can't go out in public these days. Am I a minor celebrity who has to worry about enemies or haters or other psychos out there? So all the formats I did. All the material I shared. Was the Sheriff behind some of this? Or others? My parents. Social workers. Doctors. Priests. Even neighbors?

Another one was maybe being thankful for the transgenders out there? Not making them uncomfortable. Some of that was like maybe both of us insulted before for genitalia me with foreskin. So that was a story a baby over a graphic sex episode. So appreciating what I had. Other encounters I had?