basically at the end of the line it was ebenezer scrooge every time couldn't get married wasn't a musician discovered why i couldn't be like someone else it was money business & retirement or no other option really

 so here's one i had fun with but it didn't work out at one point i thought under the rules in place for how to do something that being copy a old famous one being the answer so i thought of pkd philip k dick the disabled crazy (like me with mental illness) scifi writer so i had a good time along the way (watched documentaries about him) i wrote up some stories sent some letters to publishers but it didn't work out quite how i wanted it to so as always with many stories i found something i couldn't do like the illegal drugs other many names i admired too but would see how i couldn't do it like jack kerouac clint eastwood bob dylan stan lee hugh hefner some veterans there too um

so when i was going to be a 'sex addict' um the progress i made but getting stuck and not continuing um thinking of manual ferrara or marlon 'sledgehammer' anderson to name some without tattoos or i think they both are intact or have foreskin or are 'uncut' um later meds changes and how it wasn't doable

so it'd be like partly my fault but partly 'reality' so i tried dating events and didn't advance um i'd also think of how i went back to get more education with the veterans affairs and vocational rehabilitation um i was focused professionally and also another would be i'd be afraid to make the jump with that fearing about losing my benefits or how it'd be a very impossible task marriage and too not wanting to leave my parents 'shang hai'd'

it was always money that was always what the answer was the money would always cure anything or resolve any issue um so it'd be like trying something but then figuring things like how i'd be better off being a 'miser' um

then the 'cerebral' nature of it all to daydream about each part of the play i saw times when he didn't see how others were suffering or opportunities he missed um being mean and hardened the three ghosts of christmas past the past the present and the future

even comparing it to my own real life my dad being like cratchet and marley his business partners my nephew being a little bit like tiny tim the greed he had his business being 'accountable' um the writer charles dickens and realistic answers

so the beauty of christmas the joys of having enough being financially okay stable enough um winter um that as a checkpoint to get through each year everyone doing ok till they start dropping here and there the best case scenario the charity um