my unemployment (it's actually retirement +disability) and another business insecurity why i am spirit broken or aware of 'reality'

 so here's basically one end the impossible part to keeping a business going (such as my current source of a paycheck being the military) so what i am getting at is it could be very difficult to stay in business like not getting traffick or other issues no one cares to patronize you or maybe that's under what's essentially needed and i saw how the taxes could be crippling there'd be no point to trying because you could do the same thing and in someways be better off on disability 

not getting involved with the tax issues and knowing that that can be a danger over jail for that so do nothing and live in a inner bubble of reality 

i guess more of that i have for years been somewhat of the thought that 'no one gets one job they keep forever' like you get fired and other stuff can change unless you're like keith richards (a lifetime of guitar) so getting fired and that danger zone of not having a paycheck thus it's not worth the risk 

so my unemployment um having dealt with people once no change and immediate risks my family being ok or unneccessary drama and stress like having a caregiver so potential for trouble um pregnancy drugs (and when i said someone was trying to have me murdered) um maybe more dubbed injury prone scenarios that are immediately ready and the jobs you know you don't get for any reason even unpaid like my years listening to music or my movies i made all these skills i have

so i got a business license but didn't do any business just paid the tax to keep the license active did nothing and made no money and the cost to keep it around was maybe for my own self worth 

so what to do with free time watch cable tv contemplate the future ride along with my parents and go to the work building um days to myself alone and things to do paint miniatures and the current quitting of the other hobbies due to fear of police or maybe another being warnings i considered to be truthful not being put in a bad place 

investing um having money in stuff some of my own logic collectibles to someday maybe donate for free then maybe something good comes back to me for that 

so the days um stay out of trouble or trouble scenarios 

to stay indoors and think that some day i'll become a very old man and like the other old guy the guy whose old now um have a dog um so the counter being the 'reality' i said was like adulterers or reenlistment or zilch everywhere forever um 

no one wants to pay to see the band but how that corner gets cornered um police or what's the goal again lots of these like tests coming back stupid 

the governing double talk stigma and intentional dead ends