blake uptin

 I'd like to do that but I can't. I reason that staying in good accord with the VA lets me live. That is how I get paid and thus support myself. Without that it seems that that is a dead end. For what ever reason I have to cancel my porn subscriptions. Now I am going through porn withdrawal. But the VA will still help me right? I listen to the moderation. There's other things that sound fun but again I can't do. I remember substance abuse. But because I listen to the doctor I can't do that. So no drinking and smoking (never went further than that really). I guess I get to enjoy my little bit of security. I have longterm housing. I get to help my parents too. Maybe this was another test I passed.

 So I never had kids. No one ever came forward and told me I did. But why are these people still seeming like they are calling me? What motive would there be unless there was a chance of secret babies? I am not calling anyone out. But in hindsight how many times did it seem like those were opportune times? Did I just go extinct instead? Short horse blink photograph memories together. So parts like oddly getting very hungry later. Or seeing things in stores like reminders of our fling. Or on a positive note positive tabs being kept on me. Was this just me being made political enemy and not getting a single chance? I have no confirmation. I have my doubts. Now it seems like it's getting too late for me to start a normal family. I am older but I do have a lot going for me like steady income my parents nearby or being a home owner or even having free time.

 So my lesson was I can't go to talk to women in public. If I do I get complaints and police called on me. Does this trace back to my TRADOC roommates being martyred? So back to the drawing board again. How can I meet lots of new disease free women for sex? Or meet just one to start a family and not screw me over? Well I tried dressing nice and failed. Tried using the computer and internet and failed again. Is this just not possible? So why aren't our military given fun choices? Am I responsible for my old TRADOC friends to this day? I will never leave a fallen comrade. See the Gygax story with holes in the story for the military. Or see insurance protection from bad things. So how can the military and us party? How can we not forget those serving?

 You're forgetting one part. It was my masterpiece. My ideas. My signature touch. But there's the disabled. Where that's the only thing someone can do. They truly have to master that one aspect. So ssdi and the eye on the culture for arts and even pornography. You could only be a guitarist. You could only be a film director. You could only be a porn star. You could only be a writer. But your family can stop you. They can intervene and over power you. So maybe you can't. But are you missing my porn stash yet?

 You will never get in the entertainment industry. So don't even try. You could have fire jokes and on point clothes but still get no where. Believe me I tried. The Jews and Gays will not accept you. For years I tried to make it in. They wouldn't even talk to me. They isolated me and extorted me. Well I am not doing that again. I had all my material ready to go. Then they start showing me screw ups who made sense. What was the point of any of this? Looks like I found another scheme. But I was dumb because others already knew this. I just found out the hard way with wasted money and time and energy. I will never play the venue or have my own merch.

 My lesson was you have to be around your parents (247) otherwise they will commit suicide. As a middle class Dickens you'll see that wealth classes won't protect you from turmoil. The money gets cut off because there is no source of consistent pay in the US other than ssdi or retirement. Thus death by grossness. One second someone drugged me up isolated me and stigmatized me. You get censored and moderated for telling the truth. So our parents need help lest they face the impending old folks home. You're better off with your parents alive because that is a help in life. So it's one dead end after another. One thing taken away after another. One terminal point and no turning back. There is no Obamacare really and never will be it seems either. Do you think there will be anyone there to help you or your family with your bills? I think not and believe I have proven this point. Without money or a source of money you will not be able to survive in the USA. Your parents need...

 They should name some stuff after me when I die. What about a school or a street or a park? But then again the negativity never was my merch formally made see the corrupt gay jewish entertainment industry. Don't I deserve at least that much for my effort? Remember the Nesbitt show? When I had the videos on youtube and facebook of my family gatherings. Or when I made my album I wrote. Aren't I a bit of a local legend? There were the places I got to see. Georgia Germany DINFOS Front Royal Alexandria Luray etc. Didn't I have a positive impact on those places? Why aren't I getting remembered for what I did? Or is it back to Scrooge with just the future coming true? A dead body in a cemetery. What about all the writings I did like surveys or blogs? Also does my great grand dad's legacy count for anything did some o that carry over to me?

 Looking for the truth about white women? Well I'll explain. From the Sheriff and Polices power and race baiting to the Generals overseas prostitution racial profiling. That's unstoppable. So I got taught white women. Then they get gamed and are at risk for deadly diseases. So apparently Germany is the land of the white women but through out life I don't get any while the military officers are on prostitution sex vacations for life to this day. It's not fair but they just told me I was crazy and keep tabs on me. I tried getting married. Racist white men don't let me have a chance with white women. Then I am forced to coincide that white women are the best lest I face things like deportation or further isolation. The military are not heroes they are sex worker users. Someones always there to ruin it for you. The Lieutenant treating me like a prisoner of war my whole life. Then the TRADOC not getting any priviledges while people are cornered into sex with the captain....

 You are abusing your position. You took advantage of all of us. You are not helping us. The only person you care about is yourself. They just use us as the bait for them to get laid. They premeditate and know what they can get away with. They manipulate us. They didn't deserve their educations. Evil people. Unethical and immoral actions that aren't policed. Meanwhile I am stalked by law enforcement forever. No way of being a normal unharassed citizen. Never did anything either. That is our country. The bad leaders. The bad police. The bad doctors. That is what we can't seem to stop. The bad government.

 You're never really happy. And your bossy. Your instructions never make sense. You just keep harassing me. I do what you say. Then you change your story. More lies ahead. Even after I did what you wanted you are still not making any sense. I tried sex. I tried celibacy. I tried masturbation. Some people just have it out for me and can't stop stalking me. My stories make sense. You can't blame me for doing what I was supposed to. Then you try to twist my arm and make me look like an idiot. It's not my fault that your ideas don't work.

 In some ways my money was wasted. I didn't use it that much on myself? And then people warming up to me but they wouldn't really get it either. I mean the age gap on my cousins who are now pretending to be nice to me. Did the neighbor whose dogs I walked leave me anything? With that age gap I had a lot of my life ahead of me. Thinking of some form of reversion would my possible children get it? I've seen many orphans actually do well. I got my money from the VA. I got my money from my parents helping me. I put my money into my house. I paid my bills and didn't really have debt other than bills. No one really is in my radar for a proper heir to my wealth. I have a modest amount of money and seem like I'll be able to pay off a house someday. What could I blow money on that's actually worth it? Is it just the end of a misers life the foolish mortality not greed because I just did what I had to?

 I may be biased suspecting my offspring may be orphaned. Or secret taunted half siblings. Thus do I approve of deserved evil responses on others? Revenge? I had to pay my bills. It seems others didn't. Thus my history with the German holocaust. Does it all work out in the end? You can't escape your bad deeds. Also in addition to financial issues there is karmaic problems. No one helped me. Also people went out of there way to hurt me. Lots of things that I learned got me hospitalized. Faces and charades pantomiming. You really didn't have to do all that. 

Is high school where the party is meant to stop at? Is the best you can do is go to the mall? To aim low. Help your family instead.  See the novelties. See the bad kids. See the smart kids. See the potential gone on staying back.  Waiting to get sucked into community college. Thinking of blue collar ideas. Incoming weight gain possibly. Lowered standards for what you can reach permanently.  To face embarrassment. To be stuck in the same cesspool. What can you really do about it? How can you support yourself?

 I am biased about education. I got to go but I didn't get to graduate. A lot of the time I felt rushed and zeroed out. So my question is how will you pay it back and what will you actually learn? How will you actually pay your loan off? I thought it was unfair that I had to immediately go enlist in the Army while others didn't. I thought a lot of the skills people claim a lot of time can be bs-ing. How many times have I dealt with those aholes when it was me in DC? Basically would a compromise be doing what I did? Is it better to drop out? Or is it better to consider trades instead? Is it better to focus on getting a vocation? Was my education experience ruined by the fears of having a student loan? Or is that just reality? What is the new trend moving forward? Is the education investment worth it or not?

 I am trying to reach symbiosis with my communities and environment. To have both of us benefit off each other. EG being a source of joy for all. I am former military and on disability. I do all my surveys to share issues and insights. I try to help my parents and am around them a lot. I pay collection weekly. Additionally I am a practicing Catholic. There are different worlds I am involved with. I go to Pennsylvania near the Amish for HMGS conventions. I go to Northern VA for Alexandria for my parents business. I help clean the office and am in the background of my families business. I want everyone to win. I don't want to neglect anyone or forget anyone. I send out postcards to stay in touch with people. I regularly write our president with tips and current ailments.

 Here's a list of the male suitors I have rejected instead to stay with my parents. People literally had the nerve to suggest my father commit suicide and me be used as the bait for their sexual realities with me again unpaid and used. I stood my  ground: Iowa Senator think the grand kids tried hijacking my mom due to a divorce haven't heard from them as much due to the divorce Commanders family remember when my family name still meant a little bit and people realized I correlated with the women was offered openings but turned them down due to the sacrament of marriage and EG Obamacare Belle Haven Country Club so a rich old powerful club owners family tried having me be a sibling for them but I had accountability to my parents so I declined he may be dying soon never heard back from them and was outcast from them as such and on the complaints list regular in that turf Fairfax County police family started with youth football as a offensive lineman never touching the ball so bas...

 Was I just crazy? But how many times was I right too though? So my lesson is I can just get gaslighted. Isolated and stigmatized thus. Who knew Trump would pull a Clinton? Who knew General Petraeus would get busted? But now being compliant like trying paid porn subscriptions. For a E-4 I don't have the stress and it seemed either way I win. I saw adulterers and decided not to get married. I told the truth and was set free. I have been hospitalized before at inn patient psych wards. But I did hear my care givers moderation and adjust. I even listened to my Sergeant in the Warrior Transition Battalion (WTB). I called out true stories and some changes happened. Though prostitution is still regulated and legal in Germany were there improvements from us Americans? I was said to be crazy and abandoned and forgotten.

 Unlike Bill Wyman I stopped. So I could be just another person he met along his course to the Rolling Stones. There was his beginning in the Cliftons. What happened to the other guys? How many times have I gotten really good at my role? And as stated known when to stop. The internet said Bill Wyman's dad died early and I suspect he could have contributed to that. I don't want my dad or mom to die early. I prioritize my parents life and marriage over my hobbies. It's not worth it after that as I've said repeatedly. I respect the sacrament of marriage in them. I still have a guitar but have been busy with other things. I revolve around my parents. I believe someday maybe Obamacare will get here after all. In that regards I am not changing my vote from Republican that I know of. I had a good run with what I did do though.

 I am good at detailing women. I've even done cunninlingus before. But so I can do back and forth with women and trans for their style and look. When I first began was during some potent eras of porn. Remember Naughty America in the 2000s? I can see what the girls are trying to do. Regardless of education or demographic I can entertain the womens and trans fantasy. There's the different fetishes. Jews red heads some of that being like the poodle with it's grooming too. The hair style the different dimensions of women. Their foreskin and under garments lingerie panties g strings. I am a pro at what I do. For years I masturbated. And that may have saved me from being at risk for HIV and Aids. I respected women and was good at vulgarity.

 Just when you think that's the answer. Wrong again. How many times has that happened with college related releases? It's not interracial homemade sex videos anymore. Nor is it Bob Dylan's early albums. And these can come back in like how I am now out. But if you have a education then these aren't the end of the world. There's always turning it off. Not paying attention to which ever anymore. Remember when it was Appleby's with Talladega Nights exposing that? You'll never guess what my parents know now. It's hard to track my parents intel. Well there's RFK Jr's quest with non processed foods currently. But me having done college makes these easy to digest or skip too. Does it ever really last that long like a life time?

 I learned that pornography was an answer. I didn't know in Germany prostitution was legal and found that one too. I masturbated lest I be annoying or troublesome. I am a veteran and can't escape the grips of porn. Overseas they told me if you don't go to the brothel they'll jump you or lock you in a locker. I didn't fight it. In Virginia when I had broken my masturbation habit I was threatened with violence if I didn't start jacking off. So again I assimilated. Porn has been a part of my life since childhood. Masturbation seemed to be safe. There were guitarists (masturbators) who I referenced who lived a long time. I got used to being on my own and not needing anyones help other than the VA. There's military in Germany still using prostitutes right now and probably will stay that way forever. It seems like it can be a lost cause to go against the grain. The porn seems helpful or easy and accessible. I thought sex work was a career like others and I thought...

 In hindsight I was ignorant to a lot again. Realizing that when a baby is born maybe there is a tie a connection with the mother. So what I was saying was different women I may have been with them affecting food cravings I have. Here's some bullets: aunt food that's like thanksgiving leftovers that's a little weird like mom's good cooking or holidays too a woman's touch a wife refridgerated leftovers family meals british foods crave these jellies teas vinegar on fish and chips things with like the overseas stuff humidity third world proper the full schabang german stuff the oktoberfest the bratwurst sauerkraut hunger this mixes with the amish too other stuff like gyros or italian not as much spaetzel traditional foods the amish pretzels hot dogs smorgasbords bread desert full meal shoe fly pie that mixes with jews too matza ball soup new york pizza pickles bagels bagels bagels college the some ultra processed stuff cafeterias this mixes with white trash American re...

 As always let me explain. Measure for measure I told the truth. Were you ignorant again or complacent too? Convoluted seems to be the word that is reoccurring in my life. My in on the school system was my aunt. My cousin smoked weed while it was still all the way illegal. I was friends with him because not just that he was my family. Later I graduated high school and got accepted into a tier one university where later I paid off my entire loan immediately. I found out I couldn't get paid anywhere other than the US Army. I left my parents so I could basically come back to them and rescue my family. I wasn't a murderer but that was what it seemed like I learned my job was going to be to go kill USA's enemies. I learned racial profiling white women was normal as a US citizen and was pseudo deported to Germany where I didn't know prostitution was legal in addition to basically mandatory for us Joe's. I wasn't a gay greedy stingy evil miser. I learned that because I...

 Here is my google summaries of Charles Dickens works in chronological order: pickwick papers like magazine releases about traveling around England and jokes under a penname oliver twist a orphans life until it changes and he inherits wealth nicholas nickleby  corrupt school system the hero must protect his mom and siblings dead dad old curiousity shop gambling addiction drama barnaby rudge intellectually disabled son of a murder gets off on a death sentence during anti catholic as a ring leader protests martin chuzzlewit commedy family seeks wealth christmas carol scrooge the chimes different version of christmas carol the cricket on the hearth blissful family christmas dombey and son failed relationships with business owner wanting a son the battle of life women drama philosopher dad the haunted man professor ghost deal to avoid sadness david copperfield autobiography childhood to adulthood bleak house frivolous lawsuits hard times industrial revolution facts only and impres...

 However there are many reasons I'd opt to stay single. I don't want my house stolen. I don't want to get divorced. What if the kid isn't mine? I believe I saw the doctors abuse their power to have sex with patients and affiliates. I don't want that. I don't want to get cheated on. Also it appears no one will give me a chance. There is no insurance in relationships I could get screwed over and it wasn't my fault. What can I do? Talking to people seems to get me complaints and police called on me. Maybe however women took care of me in the past. Were my babies thus born years ago? Do the dangers out weigh the potential victories? Is it better to just not even try rather than get burned. I try to keep obligations to my parents and put that above other attempts. Would I be better off being single and just seeking flings?

 So I thought I was a good candidate to get married and start a family. EG my parents are married. I've never been divorced. There's lots of good things I have going for me. I am a home owner. I have two seemingly guaranteed paychecks. I am a practicing Catholic. I am a veteran too. My parents are supportive of me. My parents are nearby. My parents would like to be grandparents. My parents have been together for a long time. I am loyal. I raised my dog and stuck with him his whole life. I am independent as well as connected to my helpful parents. I am entertaining with my passions and those are balanced with my priorities.

 You waste so much of your time harassing me. It doesn't even do anything for either one of us. To quote Budha being angry at someone with the intent of getting back is like holding a hot coal with the intent to throw it at them in the end only you get burned. I am still me even after you try ruining my life. We both could be doing something better than having you stalk me. I didn't do anything to deserve your negativity. Can't you leave me alone? You'll lose this one. In addition to losing this won you'll have lost time. And energy. It's not worth it to keep trying to attack me. Sure you can get away with it from the police but karma will catch up to you. When you do this someone sees it and reports it. It is not in your jurisdiction to lash out on me. I have explanations. I am not your Prisoner of War. Please stop conspiring against me it only hurts you.

 It seems the two party system always has a response to counter the opposing party. Take Obama's judges stopping Trump's orders from happening. So in some ways I have won over others. I paid my student loan off and they didn't. I have a %100 rating from the VA. That means I was %100 correct. So with that in mind there's been countless times I've went against the masses and been proven right. Look at my track record with my court plea deals. I have been made political enemy. But just because I am misunderstood doesn't mean I am incorrect. Look at all Epstein stuff that he got stopped for. But then again did his suicide do anything to stop that from happening anymore? I have been persecuted. I have came back to be shown as the victor. I voted for John Mccain the former Prisoner of War. You can't just punish me just because you disagree with me I am entitled to my opinion I will overcome.

 In my doctors office there is something I am a little confused with. There's baseball wall art. To explain myself I was in Germany. From what I remember there is no baseball in Germany. I spent maybe less than a year in Deustchland. This was a pivotal age for me because I was at the end of my college years. There are so many people who don't seem to understand that there are different places in the world. Germany is not Bucknell Virginia EG. I was exposed to different regions and cultures. It is not the same everywhere you go. In Germany there was the holocaust (though that isn't around anymore). I tried assimilating to where ever I went. Now I masturbate when the opportunity comes again. At one point overseas I went maybe over a year without jacking off. The traditions overseas are not the same as Americans. For example hearing Americans were fat lazy and stupid.

 Here is another one people were ignorant about. So I have heard rumors about me before. Pedophile and gang member I can explain both but one at a time. Virginia is home to the right to form a militia. I was on the outskirts of 29. In public school rich kids got jumped before. I had protection from 29 before. 29 was a skateboard video militia. The most I did was get decent at skateboarding. In Virginia there is colonial history that hasn't changed. For example interracial is something that can come back in too. My friends from 29 gave me advice before that I listened too. I got to graduate public school with no issues. I didn't do any crime aside from smoking weed but again that's another one people don't understand. There's many thing I did that you don't understand that are interllectual. Look at the favors in secret societies.

 Peoples literacy is extremely poor. Trust me I know. I bought books I never read many times. But hear me out okay? So you haven't exerted the effort to watch a 2 hour Christmas Carol play. Basically in my opinion it deals with being in reality. Before you ostracize me about your unpaid debts listen. I am not some high school graduate literary aspire.  Rather I am someone who heeded warnings. So I am rewarded with drugs and healthcare for telling the truth. You can try to not pay but at the end of the day that's reality. It's like arguing with a bank teller it doesn't change anything. My intent is not to be a intentionally misunderstood mean old man. Nor was I trying to be greedy. Rather my lesson was if I didn't pay I'd basically get sent to jail or suicide. Thus I take my money seriously.

I heard how relationships wouldn't work and heeded the warnings. To give some issues like race or financial security or age. So did I have children overseas? When things were difficult to get everything to line up. See how white women can be the accepted norm. But then they are gamed and can be ruined in the process. Or preferring not to get divorced and thus not getting married. There is no insurance in a relationship. What if the kid isn't yours? What if she takes your house away? I tried not neglecting my parents. Other issues like bosses having power over you or others too (doctor) or erection issues. How can you pay your bills and start a family? What if she cheats on you? See the problems with white women. That can carry over to other races too like citizenship or assimilation too.

 Basically comparing my reproduction to that of the dogs. Little pups growing up. Them having to fend for themselves. Be able to survive and age well. Maybe we should all be like dogs. We need a place to poop. Are mamma can help a lot. We are companions with our masters and families. To be detached and independent. To have loyalty to our adopted owners. To continue to spawn and have next generations of dogs. To be able to get by with the bare minimum. Dogs have stuck by my side at many times in my life. One of my first jobs was walking service dogs. Those would teach me good decisions and things to be done. Service dogs are trained by prisoners or priests.

 For me the music has mostly stopped. Are the rock bands becoming antiquated like the brass? You don't really see anymore of Duke Ellington or those instruments anymore. No more jazz the trumpets trumbones saxophones etc. Additionally afterwards it can seem like the hero is a fool. The singer can seem like an idiot. Maybe it's a mixed bag. A noble cause to pursue but many holes in their stories can emerge. There aren't really any groups like the Beatles anymore. The stuff these days just seems residual and derivative from the past big names. No more Rolling Stones. And those original rock bands are going to be dead soon. Is that era ending? Will it be a new genre I didn't know about that surfaces? It seems like people don't play their instruments as much anymore. Is this a dying pastime that's fading out?

 The pizzaz seems to be gone. Anyone remember how crazy an Ipod was as a teenager? Maybe though it could've been all the weed back then. The technology doesn't seem as tailored for me anymore. It was crazy getting invited to play someones xbox 360. Now things seem a little boring. Maybe it's the sterility of not doing drugs anymore. Previously pairing weed with things as a teenager was insane. There's nostalgia for things past. There's markets for old vintage products. There's being stuck in a generation. To have arrested development for a certain age. No I am too old or other reasons things don't work as well. Not having any time to do these things. It's not like it used to be. What changed between then and now?

 The poor 'moves' are outlawed. It seems everything comes down to how much you are worth. Then there's the effect of presidential trends if they aren't blocked by opposing parties. What can you really pull off on your budget? Even if you center around saving money it still can seem foolish at times. Maybe that's the conventional lifestyle of the modern middle class. You can buy clothes and pay bills. With your American Cost of Living Allowance (COLA) it may seem there's only so much you can really achieve within your pay grade. But again does that come back to military affiliation? Or instead does it come back to Scrooge? And of course you can't forget disability too? So is that higher wage earning category negated by the neutralizing effect of Charles Dickens? To basically be cash only. To have a story that checks out a diagnosis and a rating. To have a valid point that everyone can accept. Is it not worth it to try anymore?

 Do not kill yourself. I am here to help. I have been there. You are probably dealing with 'death by grossness' and there is help here. Face the music you might be poor and there's terms for types of homelessness and dealing with unemployment. But there are people who can help. Stay with me and see the answers. There are many people who have faced the same issues as you and made it through. Maybe a case worker can help. Or maybe I can. So address the scary things in your life. Bills spiraling out of control well you can file bankruptcy.  Don't let others steal your joy or squash your life out. You can make it. For example look at the zillions of guitarists who've been modestly successful. There is a way and it can begin with accessing your problems and answers you don't have to die.

Why are you acting like I am embarrassing for being around my parents? Shouldn't I be thankful I am not an orphan? Without me couldn't my parents be in a bleak even suicidal scenario? Shouldn't I instead be commended for thinking of my parents like the Obamacare that was promised (but never arrived). What's wrong with helping my parents? What's wrong with caring about the people that raised me? Shouldn't we all fulfill that obligation to our parents? I am gracious for having married parents. I am thankful my parents are alive and well. I work to continue that positive effect. I go everywhere with my parents. I eat all my meals with my parents. Shouldn't the families stick together? Shouldn't you think of them when they are old like they thought of you when you were young and for your whole life? Isn't it good to feel appreciated by your parents and be able to reciprocate their years of generosity? I am not ashamed to be around my parents in public.

 Wake up. You didn't get to go to college and it's all ending now. The party stopped a few years ago. Now it's time to decide what you want to do with your life. And if you did and do go to university what's the point? You'll never pay off your loan. You didn't actually learn anything. The degree doesn't essentially achieve anything. Is my point to be negative or realistic? No rather to save you the pain and suffering that is incoming fast. Maybe I was lucky and not everyone can do what I did. But still what's your plan from here on out? You are wasting both of our time. You are not listening to my good advice or utilizing my wealth of experience and knowledge. How many people have I seen screwed over from bad choices? You should've listened to me about at least a decade ago.

 I listened to messages I thought were from Senator Grassley about politics. I heard how relationships could get turned inside out over the two party system. I heard how the Democrats could lie or string you along for life with little to no actual rewards. I heeded the warning that you could lose your party affiliation over hobby interests. I heard the advice and stuck with it. Thus far I have been a lifelong Republican. Romney Mccain Trump. I even got word not to vote in the Biden election and actually did a write in for my parents. There's benefits to sticking to my party too. I've heard of political gifts. Yet despite being Republican I don't follow up on their talking points or spreading their agenda. Sure there's been plenty of times I was disqualified because I am right wing. For kids about to vote in their first election now is the time to make the choice. One or the other. Left or Right. And to understand the weight of this decision because you can lose over cha...

 Some of the best sex I had was probably when I was asleep. Was that a Hail Mary to just call it a night? To let the women do what they wanted if they wanted? To listen to Bobby Darin with Dream Lover. I didn't even have to do anything. Not to point fingers at the list of women who may have done this. But is that a logical explanation to the pregnancy of mother Mary? To respect women and thus be rewarded. I wanted to have sex. Yes plenty of times. But there was always reasons not to or reasons it couldn't be done. Yet somehow I think women may have reproduced with me before and without problems. I went to different places and saw different women. I stayed in my parents house. I went over seas. Yet all these many times I think women have stepped up to the plate and knocked me out of the park so to speak. I am a practicing Catholic and may have been taken care of for that.

 I couldn't have sex then but now can I? Back then there were lots of problems and barriers. Now are things different? Or are there still on going problems to be weary of? When I was younger I was afraid of garnishments. Other stuff parents permissions. Not wanting divorce. But now is it more accessible for all of us? I have a car and a house. I have a paycheck. I am retired and disabled and have free time. With the current circumstances am I a better candidate? I am near my parents and value their inputs. I am not a teen ager anymore. I am not in the Army anymore. I am not at College anymore. Didn't I make progress with being ready for sex?

 In my attempt to help others before I have been made a fool of. Being disrespected. Being used. Previously I outweighed the mission of helping others over my own dignity and self image. People tried to intentionally misunderstand me. People tried to hurt me. But I made a foot print on progressing with the right lessons. After all was it not worth it to try helping others due to being made a fool of in the process? When others wanted to have the college vibe. When others wanted to know about the military. When I used to run and others made faces at me and I responded while outside. When I thought of issues others kids might face whether that interracial relationships or weed introductions or the thoughts of college. I didn't get paid to give you my free lessons with hard work and care. I didn't get treated like a human being while showing things I learned. I didn't get anything for selflessly giving my time and energy to others. Now I am out of the system and still doing wh...

 My dad said I wasn't that good of a musician. In hindsight I think it could be a good idea to listen to him. Rather than fight him or dispute this he probably does have a good point. How many people could do the same thing as me? By the time I was that good I've heard it wouldn't matter any more. Reasons like then that's all you can do. So letting go and taking breaks from hobbies before. To keep my priorities straight. I value my dad and his insight and life more than proving a point. And as stated I could be wrong. How many times did I see these people and maybe pass a little bit of judgement? I made some releases before and stopped before it got out of control. How many others have made that same mistake? To think they are that good only to find out they aren't. Or to spend your life trying to be something that's out of reach. Actually I said 'anything you do there's someone whose better than you at that' so keeping that in mind.

 I have been doing what I was supposed to for my entire life. Every single time I was doing what I was supposed to. And for the times you think not well I can explain. See the rationale for weed smoking. When I was doing underage drinking little did I know that later I'd have a pseudo job in nightlife. When I went AWOL I made it back to my family and we did okay. When I was with different women see that explanation like Middle March where the relationships and problems and deficiencies. When I smoked weed there was many people who that was their medicine and they needed an advocate and assistance with their pastime.  I have never been an evil person. I have never had plans of hurting others. In fact the opposite is true I have thought of helping my fellow men and women and trans too. Sometimes when things are happening there is no time to explain those things. I have broken rules before. But remember the Catholics teaching on that with forgive us our trespasses. When I failed ...

 My units nickname in Germany was the cable dogs. So if you're wondering why I do what I am supposed to selflessly I can explain. I don't have a choice but to do what I am supposed to. And I can seem to get rewarded for that. For good behavior I can get rewarded. There can be a pay off for doing what I am supposed to. I was a selfless soldier and tried to help my comrades. Maybe there were times I went through where at the end of the line things came together and were worth it. Doing good things and good things happen. By starting the momentum of positivity it can further spread. There were times I was made a fool of but I thought higher of the objectives like helping others. I put others needs and wants at a high thought to share with others. Doing this seemed to be mandatory for me. I had to not only not leave anyone behind but also help train and teach my peers. To this day I am selfless like sharing inputs on surveys to get better insights for our shopping experiences. My m...

 Spilling the beans I suspect black women may have had my babies before. And thus my sense of somewhat of belonging with the black community. To be entertained by their comedy and intellect. To be welcomed to the world of the African Americans. There were different parts of my life I was exposed to this. I thought I made some temporary friends in the DC nightlife scene. I've seen the black characters be very strong and useful. Also there was my friendship with Sgt Wilson. I felt like I belonged with them at times. But immediately checking that with a story of what happened to my uncle. Maybe I was mistaken with my brotherhood with the blacks? Another was when I was blown away by Keith Richard's stories of being a good person and hero at that. The black peoples jokes could be hilarious. The being pampered like they actually were former slaves was another thing. But also their childlike innocence or their heroism before too. I thought these babies that may have been born may have...